The Roots in a Woman with Paige Loehr
In this episode I had the pleasure of speaking with author, Paige Loehr, to discuss her book "The Roots in a Woman." She's a speaker, author, woman, and child of God always being led by the Holy Spirit. Enjoy!
"Here I am today having survived those attacks on my destiny and having walked through extreme healing with the help of the Holy Spirit. My number one goal is to share my story with anyone willing to listen. I want to share not as some educated person trying to help them through knowledge but as a healed person helping them through the power of my testimony. I am not looking to become anyone’s hero, I am looking to point everyone to the hero. I am looking to be real, raw, and vulnerable with you all so that you know you are not alone." - Paige Loehr
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Paige is an author, speaker, and Freedom Advocate, addicting to seeing people live in the Freedom of Christ.
Where to Find Paige:
Find her book, The Roots in a Woman
Show Notes: The Roots in a Woman
The roots in a woman. Now hold up. If you're a dude, don't stop listening now because this podcast is incredibly insightful, both for men and women and the roots of every single being the roots of who we are is cultivated in the garden. And I believe each of us have our own individual gardens and testimonies based in.
Beauty based in weeds, no different. Right. And so I love how authentic Paige was today as she shared her testimony and the wisdom that was just poured into an out of her new book, the roots in a woman. And so I am honored and excited to share with you not homely her energy, her vibrancy and passion for God, her ability to speak into the lives of so many different people.
And ultimately her ability to say yes, even if despite circumstances or choices or shame. Right. And so it parallels so much with my story and my heart for you as a listener. And I know that it's going to touch your heart. I cannot wait to connect with her in person. I know we're going to be speaking on stages together before long.
Um, but in the meantime, if you want to see me speak on stage, there's quite a few opportunities to do so. Not only with the kingdom clubhouse conference happening later this year in Norfolk, Virginia, go to kingdom-clubhouse.com to check it out or check out my monthly membership. You can see me virtually on stage every other week.
I saw it. I enjoy teaching. I so enjoy communing with other light-hearted and like-minded entrepreneurs and women. And I'll also be speaking at embrace your ambition in Dallas, in October as well. So, so many ways to actually hug next in person and be eye to eye and just really link arms. And so I am looking forward to bringing this.
The community together in lots of different ways, not only in the coming year, uh, but the coming decades. And so just stay tuned and totally enjoy Paige as I did.
This is your God wink. The moment that heaven says for such a time as this it's time to own your joy, prioritize your health, discover your wealth and exude your wholeness. It's time to become truly fit. However, this isn't a fitness podcast though. I'm a retired personal trainer and nutritionist, this isn't business jargon or tips and tricks to landing your successful passion project though.
That's totally why I'm a business coach. This isn't a quick fix health detox ploy though. I'm all for therapy and I love whole foods. I do have a Yolo side sweet tooth though. This isn't confusing religious banter though. I'm an ordained minister, still figuring out the many things and facets and faces of Jesus.
It's really none of that. So I'm wondering if you're wondering what is this? Well, this is an opportunity to join me alongside other big dreamers. Give movers and lifestyle shakers, as we explore and share our messy comeback stories and discoveries with each of you fellow passionate seekers, the fit and faith movement was birthed through my own trial and error discovery of mind, body, and soul alignment, and to be totally transparent, my own entrepreneurial crash and burn experiences.
I've learned firsthand that being fit. Isn't about our physique at all. It's not about our qualifying abilities or titles. It's not about our potential. It's truly about our God gifted passions, meeting our purpose. You are one step away from achieving your idea, your dream, your calling, your purpose, whatever you want to call it.
And I want to be there for the moment that you say yes, in freedom, clarity, and confidence that you are living fully fit and who and who's we're made to be welcome to the fit and faith podcast with me, Tamra and dress, there is no better time than now to get there.
We are alive in an and action and I am so excited to have you as a guest today page, I know that it's going to be such a, a God moment as everything that has aligned to this point has been just that I know in our personal testimonies, but also in our friendship and just the messages that God has planted in our heart, no pun intended for the planting.
You guys already saw it. And I have my book right here, the roots in a woman, I had this cover, we were just talking about it for, we came off, this just, it speaks to my soul. And so I'm so excited to dive into your own personal testimony, um, and hear how it has disaffected every portion of your life to today.
Yes, I am so excited to be here. I mean, that introduction that like I'm over here dancing. Hi. Yes. It makes us so excited and I never watched your guys's individual one before I put them live. And so I get really into the vibe of whatever music or, um, my creative designer, Morgan. She's absolutely insane.
And so it was interesting because the sound is so lighthearted, which I feel like really parallels to you, but then the book has such a deep sense of, um, emotion. And even speaking to that, and we can dive in at any place that you want. But one of the first things, when you open your book, obviously is the contents, the table of contents.
And you guys, there are some deep conversations. Like listen to this, like comparison abandonment, loneliness in the jealousy, lust, favoritism, lying, gossip, depression, emptiness, trust issues, soul ties, tragic loss. I mean, this is just a couple of the many, many more than I haven't listed. And it's crazy that you can, without even having a snapshot, understanding of your testimony.
Cause I don't yet, um, that somebody else. Can experience all of those things in their own sense. And so I love that you attacked them in. I can't wait to read the book myself. Yeah, it was, it was kind of interesting because I I've always wanted to really pursue, um, the form of writing to help reach people kind of like the, the key to open the door to people's hearts.
And when I really felt pulled to write again, cause I actually published my first book when I was 19. So it was a 12 year gap. And when I was like being prompted to write again, I have a couple other ones that are in the works. And when he was like, this is the one that you're going to lead with, I was like, ah, Are you sure, just because, you know, I, I have that, I have that, um, ability and, um, I, I guess the permission in my soul to be very vulnerable and transparent.
Um, and that's because that, that place, that, where it light comes, then there's freedom. And then if you're not hiding it anymore than it doesn't hold the same weight, I've experienced that in my life. So I'm okay with doing it, but still, you know, sometimes when you're like, Hey, I'm an author and I want to show the world that I can write and stuff like you don't want to be like, yes, I just knew it was right.
And I think that that's the biggest thing for me is in all of my prayers, writing it, editing it, getting it out there, it was just let this be effective Lord. And if it can do one thing, it's make people feel less alone. And the things that we go through and when you're not afraid to talk about it, then you might bring that elimination to something someone is struggling with in secret that they don't hear anybody else talking about.
So that was my heart and like, okay, just releasing it all and putting it all out there. That is incredible. I'm curious because I'm about to release mine later this year. Um, how has that journey been from one, just like a personal, I, I believe in the freedom of Christ in that light that we were talking about, that doesn't mean when you go to release something so vulnerable and transparent that there's not the element of the enemy and shame and guilt or worry or concern or MD or less, or like all these words.
Right. So I'm curious what that battle has been like with yourself and also in the conversation with your husband, knowing that you're putting all of this information out. I'm curious about the, so in a lot of investment, Um, my husband is very used to me being pushed by the holy spirit to be very vulnerable and raw and transparent about a lot of the things that I've dealt with in my life.
So he's kind of used to it. It may be like, um, I dunno, like maybe at first it was like, Interesting for him, hard for him, or like, oh, okay. But it wasn't even like, it started on our first date. Y'all. I mean, I was at that point where I'm like, I'm not messing around, I'm focusing on the Lord. So if this is to be, he's going to be, he's going to be able to get through this first day of like, I don't want this.
I've been there, done that. I can't do that anymore. This is my, you know, daddy issues. This is my drama, you know, I want kids, do you want kid, like, I'm not willing to do this before marriage type of like all these conversations, you know, fam first date. And I'm like, wow, to do this again. Or like, you know, and it was so good because he was, he was on board.
So it's like day one, he realized like this girl's deep. Um, so I think he, I think he's so used to it. One of the most interesting parts though, is that I didn't realize how much, um, I hid myself in certain environments because in so many environments, I'm not, I don't hide at all. And so I realized that even like around his family, that I kind of just hit and I allowed myself to just, um, enjoy them and enjoy their dynamic and kind of just sink in and, and, and not really flare too much.
And we've been married for 12 years now. And so, um, I think after I had kids, I kind of added a little bit of flare cause you know, that mama bear comes out in some. Oh yeah. But it was kind of like, honestly, in the midst of, um, I'm about to publish this book, the people that I thought about the most. Okay.
They're about to, they're about to get a real taste and he was his family because, um, they just, I didn't sit down with them and say, Hey, here's my job come like, Hey, I'm a good person. You should really support this relationship. So I just thought about it like, Ooh, wow, they're going to get an intimate glimpse of, of my life and my past.
Um, but you know, I couldn't even gather myself to be concerned about that, to be honest. Um, I just, I just thought about so many women that, um, and even men, mostly that we might, may read this book. I just felt that so many people were in that place of like they're in hiding. And my, my freedom to come out of hiding was an invitation for them to do this.
So, yeah, it's so good. And I think that's the component of having that, and I know the word has become such a buzz word, but that authenticity and vulnerability and ultimate really it's just light and truth. And so if you want to really like get down to it, it's just telling the truth. And I think a lot of people, because of the way a opinion matters or exterior matters, we don't deal enough with the truth on the inside.
We're always just looking to create a false truth on the outside to shield. Protect, um, create image of, and so I want to get into the nitty-gritty cause I know everyone is going to be wondering, I just throw out all of your life story and a couple of chapter descriptions here. Let's let's learn about page.
And how did you get come to your face? What led you, I'm curious about your first book now that you said you had a book when you were a 19 let's let's learn a bit about your history and then we'll get into the story of it. Okay. Well, I, um, I have quite, uh, everybody has quite the story. I think sometimes you just have to be able to pinpoint, um, what, what everyone needs or what your audience needs.
And I think for me, um, it's just kinda interesting. I was on a FaceTime with my brother and he, he was like, where did you get the picture? It's the picture? Where am I over here? No, over here. Um, no, the woman in my right there. Woo. Okay. I see her. I see her is my grandmother and um, he recognized the picture right away.
So I think, um, that was like started on my spirit as soon as he asked about that. And I'm like, she's in the background if I do any, any interview like this. And so let me just start there because I had a foundation of faith in my early years because my grandparents, um, my grandpa was a pastor and my grandmother was, um, a pastor's wife in the sense of, she was the one that did all of the social, you know, interaction.
And, you know, my grandpa was a very, just. Like simple, like calm, you know, and my grandmother, there was the flare and she was the life. And, and so she provided all of the events and he's the one that brought the word. And so I had that foundation from, from a young child, but simultaneously growing up in a broken home because my mom was raising three kids on her own.
My dad left. Well, he was kind of in and out. And, um, lots of, lots of like traumas wrapped around that my mom is white, my dad is black. So we had some traumas in the sense of some racial tension in the family where they weren't comfortable, um, with that situation. And then just, you know, my dad not living up to what he, what my mom's expectations for their life were.
And so he was kind of in and out, um, actually until I was 14 and then he was out, um, which was a difficult time. At, you know, in that age of a woman's life, that's pretty, pretty rough. And, and that's kind of where, you know, there, there's this great divide where, um, I start really, really, um, exhibiting like my trauma response.
Right. For sure. Up until the time I was 14, I had the ability to maybe hope and to hold on and I was already developing some anxiety and, um, and that was very apparent, but it wasn't until like hope was completely gone that I was like, I really began to flare flare up in some of my trauma responses. And so I'm just making a lot of poor decisions and.
It's funny how I have that background of faith. And I believe that I was saved at a young age, but, you know, in my teenage years, going through a lot and making a lot of poor choices and a lot of things that were happening to me, um, circumstances that I couldn't control that were really unfortunate. And, you know, how you think kind of like you would think about God and be like, well, he would be disappointed and he would be frustrated while at the same, in the same time, in the same season, when my dad left, it was about six months later or a year later when my grandma passed away and she was a significant, this significant person.
And actually ever since that moment, we haven't had a family reunion because she was the glue, not just for our church, but even for our family, with all the tension that was going on. Um, Was the person that could get everybody in the same house, regardless of all the drama that was going to go down.
Right. But like we pulled it all together for her. Well, when that was gone, it was gone. So, so, but in those seasons I would think about her and, you know, and think about if she would be disappointed and if she was looking down on me. And, um, so a lot of times I feel like as much as it was the holy spirit, I felt like my grandma was always in the back of my mind, like, you know, who you're supposed to be.
And actually she passed a torch to me when she passed away, she didn't her torch. Didn't go out. She passed it. And so that's why there was that protection over my life. And even in the darkest places, I still felt like there was a calling to my soul. And so I think in each chapter of the book that I'm able to speak so much to.
The healing that I've had in my life, because I'm able to pinpoint like, Hey, this is the season that I was in. This is the place that I was in. And this is the darkness that I was in. And this is how I knew that there was hope, or this is how I knew how to, how to crawl out of that dark hole. And it all comes back to, there is still that still small voice.
There was still that elimination of like, you're not junk. You're not trash. You, you haven't been completely abandoned. Even when it felt like that. So deeply in my soul, um, there was those subtle reminders or those inclinations, or just like when I'm making these extremely poor choices around people that I knew, I wasn't supposed to be around doing things I knew I wasn't supposed to be doing.
And he's right there. And I could feel him, you know, you get those like goosebumps. One of my dear friends calls them God bumps. When I like that makes sense. I love that. Like getting those God bumps and I just, would he feel him speak to my spirit? Like you don't belong. Yeah, you don't belong here. Um, you, you have so much in you and, but honestly, I can't, I can't look back at those things and, and feel any sort of like a regret because I learned so much, I healed so much and I learned so much about that father relationship that was so damaged and so broken.
And it wasn't just Jesus. Jesus is my friend, my homeboy, my, my example of how to live life and flesh. But the father relationship that was so broken, um, I had to learn that and I had to get healing from that. And I learned how to learn, how to seek that out. And so there, so like true. I know, I'm sure I could ask, like, I have so many questions as you're saying, and I know you're going to say, you have to read the book, I'm going to read the book.
Um, but for the audience that's here now, like thinking through. Um, what was that trajectory shift from multiple God bumps or multiple revelations or multiple drops from your grandmother and that spirit and that drive of, of continuing on with the torch. Was there like one large scenario, one moment that you.
Okay, I'm going to change. I hear you loud and clear. Yeah. So we'll just get right into the thick of it. And I know it's kind of like, Ugh. Oh my gosh, it's intense. Um, so just prepare yourself. Be prepared, be prepared. That's from the line. I love that you just made that reference. Um, but so I'm writing this book and it's not, it's not coming out.
Right. It's not this main, my main testimony isn't coming to the surface and I'm like, this is interesting. And I did some like market research, as far as the chapters, I let people say, Hey, if you're struggling with something that you would like somebody to speak on, what would it be? And then that's kind of, and then I prayed about each one and some made it and some didn't and some were like, what is this?
You know? Um, so the chapter on emptiness, I I'm I'm like emptiness. Okay. And, but I felt him saying, yes, that's a chapter. You need to put it in there. So I'm sitting. In this, um, shared workspace writing and it's like, okay, emptiness. Now, holy spirit flow through me. Let's go, let's do this. And then it was like, and bam, here's your main story?
And I'm like, well, that's dramatic. I, I know exactly what you're saying. And while somebody who might not have written a book, wouldn't understand, I get it. You're like fighting your fingers till the release. The thing that, you know, God has pushed you out of your body. Literally, I'm like fine. So when I was 17 years old, I ended up, um, with an unwanted pregnancy and, um, I made the unfortunate choice to have an abortion.
And, um, I talked so much about that in, in so many different areas of my life that I can kind of notice that I shock people with my freedom to just share. And sometimes it's like, oh, let me backtrack. I'm okay. Like, you know, let me tell you a little bit more about this story, because I, I don't want to, I don't want it to sound cavalier or just off the cuff and like, it doesn't matter, but that's just how much freedom I have in this, in this arena.
So, so let me just tell you a little bit more in depth. So I made the decision because it was a part of, it was a part of like, okay, it was a quick and easy solution. It seemed to take away everybody's disappointment and sadness. Um, I was considering, you know, my fears, not my future. I was thinking about only my fears, not really the future.
It was fears about the future, but it was really just fears. And then I was concerned about everybody else around me, and that's what fueled the decision. And I made the decision. And it was pretty much immediately, like I knew it was wrong. I thought I had a preset in my life that have, if that ever came like that would never be my decision.
Um, so I thought that was my, my preset, but when it came down to it and it wasn't, it was just that quick release. But what happened is I became such a, uh, numb and hollow empty shell. And it was like, not even being able to feel emotions surrounding it. And, um, it was just like, well that happened. I went to school the next day and no one knew.
And, uh, I don't know. I think having gone through everything that I had went through already, and I felt all of it to be in the place where I felt nothing was so unbelievably frightening, because anxiety is big and you feel it. And I had had anxiety since I was a child. And. For something to be such a shock to my system was that I couldn't feel it.
And that made me honestly mad because I wanted to feel it. And then I wanted to move on. And so I would be in services like this is me, still church going, I was in, I was in church, Wednesdays and Sundays and doing whatever else on, you know, every other day. Yeah. And I remember like so many times hearing, like they would bring up the topic and then they would be like, you can get forgiveness.
And I'm like, oh, like I don't feel anything. So it was like this block and I was so used to, um, God would speak to me and I would run into it and there would be this exchange and it would, I would feel like, okay, he still loves me. He still cares. I'm still here. I haven't gone too far, but this felt different.
It was like, he has released me. He's let me go. I've gone too far this time. And it wasn't until, um, I think it was about. Two or three years later where I had played with, uh, I'm forgiven, you know, I'm okay. But it wasn't, it wasn't deep. It hadn't penetrated. And it was, um, it was even after I think I was engaged and I was at a Sunday morning service, um, out of town with my husband at this leadership retreat and, um, or my fiance and this woman spoke about an abortion.
And she went on to say things that began to Pierce me on a different level. She talked about her baby and I was like, whoa, what are you, what are you talking about? And it was like, he, you know, I had to realize that my baby's in heaven and my baby forgives me and God, like it was like because of the world, because of the lies, because of the fears, everything convinced me that this w this life was insignificant, that this life was.
Real that this life wasn't anything yet. And so it was almost that, that pull in me from the world and from the enemy and from the lies, I couldn't feel yet because I wasn't recognizing this significance there. And so God wasn't there wasn't full healing because God was like, you haven't, we haven't recognized what happened.
You haven't grasped the reality of what happened yet. And so when you do that, and in the moment that I did that, it was the, it was the, all of it, the full spectrum. It was the, I had to run out of the room and go into the bathroom. And I'm sure people that were in the bathroom were like, And, you know, somebody calls someone she's in, you're losing it.
Um, and then coming out and then seeing my fiance and then again to him. And then I went and found the woman, and I'm still connected to this woman today, but I went and found her and I told her and I talked to her and she, she, she provided step one of my healing. And, you know, it's like, step one of recovery admitting you have a, have a problem, you know, and that's where it was.
And so, um, that's such a significant piece of my story because even though I, I think I was in, there was a couple of, like I said, there's a couple year timeframe from 17 to when I was, you know, 21 or 20 and this actual healing happened. Well, I had radically shifted my life and began to live for God, but it was out of performance it to, to feel like, Hey, take me back, taking me back, take me back.
And it was it wasn't. Yeah. It was just, Hey, the works of getting my dad's attention and I'm begging him to tell me that I was still worthy and begging him to tell me that I was still something and that I still mattered to him. And so it was all of these things that, um, were not really what was connecting me to him.
And so, yeah, I was living for God and there was that radical shift and that radical shift happened because of this big incident, but it was really, it wasn't full and it wasn't whole, it wasn't healing. It was just works. It was performance. It was it. Wasn't what I, what I fully needed to move on. And yeah.
That shift happened in that that made all the difference. And that was step one. I feel like it's so wild, how our earthly existence parallels so much to our spiritual existence with God. Um, he's obviously here on earth with us. He's as close as our breath. Uh, but it's this knowing that you had this experience with your earthly dad who was essentially Mia at 14, this happened at 17, and then you had this season where you were trying even out of works to pursue God, the father, but it was also your father here on earth that you had no longer had a relationship with that was severed so that I could so see how it, wasn't just this one heavenly layer of her.
It was this earthly layer of her. And so it felt like even deeper and talking about roots. It's like, so ingrained with your story and with your message. And then similar to have that revelation in parallel to your child. I mean, I can't even, I honestly can't even imagine. Um, and so I'm R I'm separated currently for my son.
Who's just in another country and that feels so far away. And so there's that whole extra layer of, of grief and understanding when you had that revelation. And I think admittance being that first step, um, ultimately is where truth that we talked about at the beginning comes into play because you actually are getting real with yourself and you're not acting based on what would they think, what would I do?
What should I do? Um, and, and every other component of the exterior outside of your own mirror, Yeah. And I, you know, the first time I was able to, um, write about it, I wrote this poem called sail away. And if you get access to my, my, uh, website, you can go here. It it's on YouTube, but it's also on my Instagram.
And this poem is about that. And it's, it's, I think it's one of the most beautiful works. I don't think I'll ever love anything as much as I love this poem because it was my, it was my tribute to my child. And, um, it was, it, it was like finally there and I was so thankful for that healing, but it's also, it's.
Hurt. I express my pain. I express my regret. I express the truth of the matter. And, and, um, so it's called sail away and there's some reasons why. And so when I, when I got pregnant with my daughter, I went and got a tattoo. It was very early, um, at this place called righteous tattoo. And he prayed over me before, um, he did the, the tattoo, which was so significant.
He had no idea what was, what was going on. Cause I was getting a sailboat tattooed on my, on my wrist. And so, um, So, yeah, I, um, love it. I, I had, you know, even my mom, like, why do you want to remind her of that? And, and I said, because that's the, that's the, I want to remind her of my child. I want to re I want to remind her of God's grace.
And no, I don't have to. Every time somebody says something about my tattoo or asked about my tattoo, I don't have to go through the whole story. I, I tell them it's a representation of God's grace in my life. Um, but if I want to dive deeper, I can, I'm not ashamed of it. I wanted that reminder. I want to be able to hold that, that with honor and with truth and with the reality.
And, um, I want to be able to tell my daughter one day when I tell her the story about, about all of this to remind her. And this is like my thing I want to tell her, like, life is tough, but so are you, and. I'm not going to hide from her, my scars and actually I'll, I'll paint them beautifully on my own skin just to tell her, like, you don't have to be ashamed.
You're going to have pain. You're going to make mistakes. But that, that is the beauty of us being here. And, and this and this human experience is that we can be at the depth of our pain and reach out for the father. And he still hears us. He still sees us of our own demeanor. It can be open to anybody else, but it doesn't really truly matter.
It's about our response. It's about in the moment when you're in the most pain, whether you did it or somebody else did it or whatever, when you're in the most pain, what do you reach to, who do you call to? Where do you run? Do you hide? Do you do. You know, make bad decisions, even more bad decisions out of shame and in the pain, do you give up, do you quit?
Like what do you do? And I think for me, what I want to be able to teach, especially when I'm thinking about my daughter is like, you respond by, by crying out to the father and not denying that you're in pain or trying to hide it. You know, like, like even Adam in the garden, like them hiding. That like, I see you actually know I created the entire garden.
I know where you're at. Yeah. And it's like, he comes and he doesn't ask the questions that you think he's going to ask. He doesn't say, Hey, why are you hiding? You know, he doesn't say like, what are you doing? Well, no, he says not. He doesn't say why. He doesn't say, why did you do that? Why did you eat that?
Why did you listen to her? Why did you listen to the same? Why did you, he comes and says like, why are you, why are you hiding now? Who told you? You were naked? Like he's saying, like, who told you to be ashamed from me? Yeah. You made a mistake. It was, it was more about the fact that they responded by hiding.
He responded by covering up. They responded with shame and guilt. And, um, when I realized that when I stopped hiding, when I took off the leaves here I am. Yeah. That was when I. That's like the representation of this, like this is that it's, it's, it's taking all of that off and stripping yourself there. Um, and not hiding and saying, do you still love me?
You know? And it, it, it does parallel back to my, my earthly father, because it was in the last month that he was home. And when I say off and on like, truly, it was, it was pretty bad. It was, um, I mean, it was maybe the longest period of time where he stayed was maybe six months. So it was very, very off and on.
And there was some times where he was gone for years. And so, but the F w the last straw was the last time my mom tried. And I remember it was my freshman homecoming. And this is just, he was never, he was just when he was there, he was so absent. So he was laying down on the couch, watching TV, and I had gone and gotten my hair done and my mom's hairstylist.
So she did my hair at the salon. We came back and we got ready. Like we finished my makeup. I put on my dress. I went with my good friend that I had known since kindergarten. He was the, um, he was the homecoming prince. And so, you know, and kind of in my own mind, I felt a little like a princess. And, um, I walked down the stairs and he, you know, he didn't even look up.
I think a real father would have stood up and said, oh my gosh, let me look at you. Let me get a picture with you. Let me come, come to the picture, taking place, you know, where we got the limo, he didn't stand up. He barely looked up. He, he looked over at me and, you know, he may have said like, have a good time or have fun, but he didn't tell me I was viewed.
And, um, I just remember like, um, that was such a pivotal moment and he was gone, not that long after that, but I've, there were so many times from then on that to my, to my heavenly father, I felt like I had to put on these garments and dress myself up and be something so that I could say, like, do you, do you see me?
Do you think I'm beautiful? Do you value me? You know, are you going, when I enter a room, are you going to stand and applaud? Or are you going to ignore me? Are you going to like, so it was like that battle. And then when I kept doing all of that, I kept doing all of that. And then it was when I stripped it all off, wash my face, clean and stood there before him.
And he. That's when he stood up and said, wow, look at you, girl. I love you. You're beautiful. That's in this moment, the most everything you could be, you're everything I created you to be. And, um, and so it's like that, that finally the taking out all, everything away, all the pain, all the hurts, but all of the trying, all of the, all of that when I took all of that away, and that was my whole, that was the place of being whole and being fulfilled.
And, um, even with the biggest mistake, he still chose to love me and bless me and tell me I had a future and tell me I was forgiven and tell me there would be a reunion one day in heaven, where I would be recognized. And, you know, for something that's like, when you give up the right, you, you feel like, you know, I gave that up and, but God says, but I can still give it back to you.
Yeah. It's like the prodigal son is sort of thinking about, and he's like a ring in a row. Like he is there to just greet you. And despite how you come back, maybe head downcast, maybe, um, in that poor me poor my made the. Which I know that the prodigal son did many of those things as well. And the father was just sitting there and say, let's have a feast because it doesn't matter that, that back in scenario, he's not wondering all the questions that we think he's wondering.
He could have sat there and been like, where have you been? What were you doing with my money? What were you, what were you doing in the dark places? Right. And that was not how it was, it was given out. And it's not how love is given out. There's no need for exchange. Um, there's just the giving of freely and you don't have to give me anything in return other than your attention.
And that's exactly what you did in that moment is the attention of all of the hurt and the pain and bringing light to that allows there to be freedom and not just freedom for you, freedom for every single person that you're in community with, whether they've had a similar scenario or they can just experience those emotions with you.
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Cannot wait as good. And I say to hug your neck, see you there. It's so interesting as you're sharing about your father. I was walking through my own journey with my own dad and thinking of all the intermittent times that he was around specifically because of the military. And he would deploy for, you know, nine months at a time.
And we were three kids at home with my mom who did the best that she could with the best that she could. Um, and she, she was home a lot, which we're so grateful for because she ran an in-home business, but there's still that MD. I am not seeing, I am not, am not here. Full protector of right. And so my dad would always, um, speak to my beauty.
He would always speak to my outside. Beauty is how I felt at the time. And any time I was dressed up, there was those moments in those affirmations. And then while he would go and take me to sports, and I knew he thought I was beautiful, that those comments weren't there. And, um, therefore in that striving in that perfectionism, um, for other men, either in his vacancy or just because I was growing into my own and coming into relationships, I thought the expectation was I needed the outside face to look good.
Right. I needed there to be a presentation of self because that came when I was dressed up rather than when I was just in my pajamas. And so, um, I think society as a whole is doing that, you know, Snapchat, Instagram, all of these different places that our children are going to be growing up into. And it's, it's a fear of mine, but it's also, um, where I allow my faith to supersede it.
Because at, even as an adult, I've had revelations, um, as I've walked through my own, unvarying my own uprooting process, uh, and come to this belief that like, I don't need all of it. Like I don't have that on, you know, and it's, it's not to say that makeup is wrong. It's to say that I am beautiful with, or without the makeup and that in my role for my raw list form, I'm actually the most beautiful.
And while my dad is still. Intermittent in my life. Um, he, he's not necessarily physically present. And because of that, it's, I need to find that security in the father who sees us every single minute, who curated us. And to know that our relationships here while I have intention and are hopeful for a strong, deep, intimate connection.
Um, the promise is only in. And, and his security and his steadfastness and his ability to comfort us in every single situation. And so when I've leaned into our heavenly father's arms, I've been able to see with fresh eyes. The fact that my father, who I adore is just flesh, he's just broken as well. And so, um, I just wanted to speak into that for people who might have a different scenario, that there's still connectivity to your story.
Um, and we have people who are watching live, who are sharing about their own dads as well. And so thank you guys for your vulnerability. Thank you for sharing and opening up about that piece. Um, there, I know there's so many places we could continue to jump in here. Um, as I was sharing, is there anything that kind of evoked your spirit?
Yeah, I know it's so funny. Cause I have this picture sitting in my camera roll and I was actually thinking about posting it today. Now I'm going to your confirmation on that. Um, I had to learn to. Embrace my, my natural beauty in so many different seasons, but, um, postpartum was difficult because I got what's called melasma.
So I had like this, um, this, I had it too. Yeah, it's lovely. Got it. And tell me, you know, I remember walking into my sonogram, my last sonogram and the lady, the lady said, wow, you really got the melasma don't ya? And I'm like, we'll be like, grace, thank you. Um, so, but I dealt with like the struggles of that, and not only was my body not acting right, in my opinion, but like then my face and, and, um, then, you know, choosing to put lean in to that leaning, leaning into why is this bothering me so much?
Why is this hurting me so much? And to be honest, like I put on makeup for this thing, but like I am. And most days I, I just, if I have a meeting or something where I'm doing, like I'll put on makeup for that and what I just. Weaned into really understanding the true beauty and, and when I don't feel beautiful.
Why, why is that? And so it was triggering in my spirit when you were saying that, because I lean, I did my, my first video where I was promoting my blog. I don't really write on my blog anymore, to be honest. Like, it's just not like my forte, I'm in a weird season of my life, or I just trust God and like do what he says to do and we'll figure it out.
I'm not super organized to be honest. But, um, my first video I'm like, I start with my face of makeup and I take off my eyelashes while I'm talking. And then I wash my face. Me, I'm very myself to you because I'm beautiful both ways, but truly. I am like, I'm beautiful. And I need everybody to recognize that essence.
And I, I took a picture of myself when I was on day four of laboring at home with my son, um, last April and I had the melasma and my lips were swollen and puffy, and I didn't have obviously any makeup on it and just gotten out of the bath. But I took a picture of that moment because I wanted to remember the rawness of my human experience in that, in that one scenario, I was at war with why is my body not doing what it needs to do?
I was at war with why, why do my bursts not happen the way I want him to? I was at war with pain. I was at war with, you know, seeing my melasma and all at Scorre. And like, and I was like, you know what? Let's celebrate right now. Let's celebrate right now in this moment who you are. And let's always be able to remember that woman, because you're not going to be that woman tomorrow.
You know, you're not in tomorrow and you may like want to, you want to change right now. You want to be the woman that you think you're supposed to be right now. But even when you get there, if you couldn't celebrate her, then you're still not going to be able to celebrate her. That is such a message for someone.
Are you hearing what she's saying? It is right now, you are that loved you. Are that amazing? You are that talented. You are that gifted. You are that beautiful right now, right now. And that striving that we both have spoken into it, it seems. When you come into the understanding of that and does that mean that we don't want for great things or we don't have goals for ourselves, or we don't have a vision of what's to come, not at all because we are, if we are without vision, we are without future and without future, we were without, uh, an expectation expectation of God's continued promise.
And then we go all the way back to what you said at the very beginning that you are then focused on fears. Yeah. And if you're only focused on fears and not your future, then you don't have faith for what's ahead. And so celebrate who you are right now. I love that so much. Yeah, I think it's, um, I think it's, uh, it, it sounds cliche, but it's not, it's not in the, like, uh, like you said, the don't have goals or don't have a vision of who you want to be.
Um, but it's like those snapshots of, of these beautiful moments where changes happening, where pain is occurring, where I even have a picture in my phone, I started doing that. I don't like to post them and especially talk about things until I have the full revelation of why, but I even have a picture of myself when I was crying, because I felt like I had an onslaught of, um, uh, negativity coming at me.
And this was in a season when I felt like I was, I was writing this book. So I, I was being attacked for sure. So I had some relationships. Shift and there was conflict there. I felt misunderstood. I felt betrayed. And, and I remember just like, take, like, it was like, just take a picture right now. And I have that because it was in that moment where I was choosing to recognize, like there was a war going on and it wasn't about me.
It wasn't about them. It was about like, this is the human experience and, um, recognize that and, and submit it to God in that moment. And he can show you, he can give you new eyes. He can give you fresh revelation. He can, he can allow you to end the pain in the, in the unbearable circumstances that you find yourself in.
I also find a vision of the future and what, what will come and what will come to pass. So, yeah, it's, it's so interesting. Cause like I'm getting all of these pictures in my mind, these really raw moments in these vulnerable places. Um, even having a friend reach out to me today, um, who's in the postpartum journey about like, uh, a weight loss plan.
And, and me just saying like, I hear you, I recognize everything that you're going through. Let me tell you a couple of things that no one told me it's harder than you think it is. You look in the mirror and you no longer recognize yourself, but at the same time, you cannot emotionally begin to berate yourself right now because your body just gave you the greatest gift that anything will ever give you.
So celebrate it. Don't don't don't allow yourself to self-loathing right now. Identify what you're feeling. That's fine. I'm not saying I don't want to be the person that says don't feel because then she won't come to me when she's feeling totally. You feel this, but remember, um, you just gave yourself the best gift and God worked through you to bring life into the world.
So don't allow cell self-loathing to be the reflection that you see, um, change the narrative, change what you're hearing and what you're seeing. Give yourself time. You have the rest of your life to get. So I'll see you again for your heavy, but you have right now to enjoy your son and his and his. Purest, you know, simplest, tiniest form.
He's only this small for this, this long, you know? So it's like, we think so near term all the time, and I've been talking like, Hey, let's think long-term, let's think 10 years. I don't talk about like, let's think in light of eternity and understand like you brought you, you created something eternal. Your son is an inter, a eternal vessel as a soul.
And so your body. It's fleshly. It's here, it's in the here and now, but what it created is something that's eternal to be celebrated. You know, if you do it the right way, um, he's going to be a kingdom warrior and he's the change in people's lives. So yeah. And no, one's going to ask him, Hey, what's your mom's body looked like the first week after now?
Like nobody cares first week, first year, first 10 years. Right? Like it is a process. We as women have the joy and the burden and the burden was gifted in the garden. And we were talking about that because of it. Right. And at the end of the day, what I think is so beautiful about that is that there are consistent affirmation that God gives women throughout the Bible for us to clean hold of, um, and value the interview, the inner beauty, and you spoke of those garments.
And that garments aside, we are clothed with dignity and stuff. Right. And we get to laugh without fear of the future. And so that is a promise and that is also an activation of something that we need. And so that doesn't mean that every single day I wake up feeling like a warrior. I had a back my back pooled for a couple of weeks.
It was terrible. I could barely breathe, let alone do what I know my body is capable of doing. And this past week I went to yoga and I'm trying to get past this. I don't like yoga. It's spoken into existence. I hate yoga and terrible and meditation, all this stuff. And a woman, um, who is a family? Uh, my sister-in-law's mom.
She told me on Friday, she was like, stop saying that, stop speaking those negative words over something, that's going to heal you. And I thought about it. And she said, if you pray, you met him. And instead of going into situations, whether it's in front of the mirror, whether it's in the shower, whether it's with intimacy, with your husband, stop going into those situations and putting negative, negative connotations, negative beliefs, negative thought patterns into play.
Because as soon as you do that, what you say you can, you can, and what you say, you can't, you can't. And same thing with I won't, or I shouldn't, or I'm not good at I'm not worthy of. And so she gave me a different perspective and I'll forever treasure it. And it, she said, you are good at it. Because you do it every day, you're just using a different word.
So you're, you might not think you're good at meditating, but if you pray, you're good at meditating. And she said, do you have questions for the universe? Do you have questions? I'm like, yeah, I have questions every day. I have so many questions for God. And she's like, all you need to do is ask the question at the beginning and wait for the answer.
And there was so much beauty in that. And then by the end of that yoga session, which I hadn't done yoga in years, I was weeping and I was laying on the mat and I was crying because I had the revelation to the question that I asked. And the question that I asked is how do I find peace? How do I find eternal peace?
I am so good at joy. I am so good. I have the fruits of the spirit shared on right now is so good. It's so when you first heard the spirit that, that breathe into my life and there in my life, but peace feels wild because we live at 60. Speed. And, um, I feel like distraught from it sometimes. And his message to me was exactly what I teach every single day.
He was like, you are out of alignment, you're prioritizing other pieces of your being, which is not just your spirit life. It is also your mind and your body. You're prioritizing your spirit life because your body is not capable. And I started to cry because I was telling my body that it wasn't serving me in the way that I needed it to.
And so this is a perfect parallel to the fact of what you felt when you were laboring, what she is feeling and looking in the mirror at this point in her life, what I was feeling many years postpartum and not capable of doing a thing that I thought and had taken advantage of. So often before I should be able to go running on the beach during the summer.
It's my favorite season. And yet my body wasn't doing the thing that I was telling it that it can, or can't. Based on language and based on flexibility and all the other things that come into play, but God's revelation. And the revelation that I hope that people have right now is that there is an alignment factor.
So if she sits in that space, in that pocket of, okay, this is a beautiful, I have all of the things that God has gifted me. This is a treasure. This is, um, this is an eternal gift. Like you said, there still comes the moment where she has to prioritize her body and get to the place of acting and walking and, and feeling great about herself in this new form of who she is.
Yeah. So talk to me through, cause we're fit in faith, right? This is what this is about. So excited about that. Tell me what your thoughts are when you thought about that. My daughter will be four on July 20th and um, my son is one and, um, he just turned one in April and so. And so the postpartum journey was my daughter.
Was the negative narrative, the negative self-talk that you did not bounce back. What's wrong with you. You don't look like all these other women who just had babies. What's wrong with you. You're not strong enough. You're not ready to go to the gym. You went to the gym and your lower back hurts.
Something's wrong. You know, it was all of the negative narrative. Like you've lost. You've lost it all. And so I didn't grow up athletic. And when, in my twenties, when I really developed that hunger to, to exercise and it was therapeutic, it released, um, anxiousness. And so, um, having it be a huge coping mechanism or not a coping night, a huge, um, healing mechanism for me and my, um, overcoming anxiety.
It was, it was kind of important for me to get back to that place, but I felt like I couldn't, um, I felt like that was gone and, you know, like I was so proud of like the body that I had built, even not being athletic, growing up, you know, we didn't have the money for all those things. So it's like I had trained my body to be that.
And I was proud of that. I was happy I could do box jumps, one leg in and like, yes, So then I was like, that's all gone. And I didn't recognize myself. And I was so frustrated and like, I only gained 30 pounds in my pregnancy, my first pregnancy, but I retained 20 of it. And I was like, what? Like, it was like the map didn't make sense to me.
Numbers don't make sense in general pumped right now. And people like you're breastfeeding. Like it'll, it'll go back to normal. I'm breastfeeding. Okay. Like what is happening? So, okay. But then I had, I, I processed it. I processed it all. Um, I dove into why, why am I feeling like this? Why was this so hard for me?
And so with my son, um, I chose to rewrite the narrative that was in my mind, and yes, I gained only this much weight during that pregnancy and then retain. So I was still 50 pounds heavier than I should have, have been, um, post that pregnancy. But even last year, I remember going to a beach leadership that I'm going to go back to this year.
And I remember, I like it distinctively. Remember saying you have a choice, you have a choice to be on the beach with your children and be in self-loathing mode or in the mode of. It's okay. Enjoy this moment. Enjoy this experiment and experience. Forget what your body looks like right now. Focus on your children, focus on your strengths of what you accomplished, focus on the fact that you're so blessed that you get to see beauty all around you and focus on the beauty that you know is in, is within you.
And when you're ready, turn it back on when you're ready, grab it of what you know is true. And the truth is that you're strong. The truth is that you're capable. The truth is that whoever you want to be, you can get back to that place. And to be honest, I even had, I was, I was at war. I was, I was warring with that negative self-talk and wanting God to like express things to me.
Like, I believe, I believe you. I can get back to, it's not about a body image. It's not about like, it's not about anything. It's just about recognizing myself again, feeling confident, feeling comfortable, feeling healthy and strong. And so I even had a girl that is pretty prophetic in my life and speaks life into me, one of my very best friends.
Um, and she came up to me that weekend at this event and this and Myrtle beach. And she said, Hey, I just wanted to let you know, I had a dream of you last night that, um, you, you were, you had so much joy, you were radiating, you're laughing. You were standing in a group of women laughing, but you looked like you looked when I met you when you were 19.
And she said it was important that I told you that. And I was like, wow. Okay. Wow.
That was it. That was it. I needed God to tell me, you can have back, whatever you want back. You just have to fight for it. You have to know that you're strong enough. You have to know they're capable. You have to stop the inner negative narrative and, and let yourself enjoy this moment. Be at peace in this moment.
And then I remember taking my before picture. It was in August. My son was born in April and maybe that's more time than then another person would allow themselves, but you know, it was COVID. And I was like, I was enjoying all the fruits. Um, but I, but then when I, I, I drew a line in the sand and I said, okay, I'm starting my journey to get back to who I was.
And I remember taking that before picture in August. And, um, there was, there was ups and downs. They was plateaus. Um, but since last summer I would go back to the beach this year and I will have shed 50 pounds. Um, but really I, I shed self-loathing I shed, um, shame. I shed, um, the, the fear of never being that again, I shed all of the negativity, the things that were trying to come with me.
You know, to them and then how much more weight that carries than actual Al's right. Or weight. Because I chose to celebrate in that moment because I chose to say, take a picture of me on this beach with my son and celebrated that moment. I took that snapshot. I wasn't super happy with where I was. Right.
But I chose to celebrate myself in that moment and to have those memories. And, and because I celebrate myself, then I can celebrate myself. Now, I love that one person that I follow really closely. He has something called the rise and grind show. He does it every single morning from 5 36, his name is Glen Lundy.
And he says, um, every single morning he'll state the date. And he'll say, today is July 13th, 2021. And it'll never be July 13th, 2021 again. And so how are you going to write your story? How is it going to look? How are we going to reflect on it tomorrow? And we all want freedom. We all seek freedom, but freedom to some is still entanglement.
Roots in this picture is literally imprinted in my heart for so many reasons. The first introduction chapter alone around gardening speaks so much to my soul. I too, don't have a green thumb, but this morning I watered my garden and I picked two peppers off of it that are healthy banana peppers. And so it's the knowing that you can, based on the premise that you will.
Yeah. And so I just, I'm so grateful to you. I'm so excited for the message that God has laid on your heart for your activation in spite of, because of right. And so to know that it's not in spite of, but it is because of your testimony is because of the God that glorifies every part of your life and makes all things new and all things good that you're able to now look at your body and your children.
And they're, um, just a beautiful fruitful tree and family and home, um, for other people to bear witness to, um, and for you to unlock moms, unlock women unlock so much more than that. Even men I know are dealing with these issues in secret, trapped in the garden that they make. That's the craziest part about it is we are the ones planting the seeds.
We're the ones watering the weeds instead of the healthy garden, because the weeds grow faster. Honestly. That's why, and it feels more sustaining in the time you talked about those seasons of your life. And I had them no different. And so, um, I just want people to live the best version of who they are today and know that tomorrow they still have an opportunity to become better and more like Jesus, which is what we're called to do.
Yeah. Yeah. And, and just like, I think. Denying that you have thoughts and denying that you have ceilings is not the human experience. You have to recognize that you just don't let it run. You, you don't let it rule you. You know, I have thoughts. I have feelings and they're wild in they're. They, they can be crazy.
I have control and I have, I have the strength and I have the power and I, I don't know. It's like, yeah, it's like thinking of that garden and I can either let them roll simultaneously or I can trim them. I let that's the hard work and I can, or that's the easy work. That's the like ripping the bandaid or you can be deep and you can dig them out.
You know? It's like, it's like you choose your own adventure, choose your own, you know, garden, like choose the work that you're going to do now for the garden that you want in the future. And you know, some of my chapters. Yeah. It's like a pot, like I said, a pot of hot wax sitting next to you and you got to put it on, but then you gotta rip, like, you gotta let it rip and, um, ready, but you're never going to be ready.
Just like postpartum. I wasn't ready to like, get, kick it in gear, start, stop eating ice cream every single night to the brim of the bowl, you know, like I wasn't ready, but like I pushed myself into it. I wasn't ready to let go of my comfortable anxiousness, but, um, I chose that. I chose the peace over the chaos.
Not, not ex you know, you can't ever get rid of chaos, but it's the peace in the chaos, you know, I chose, I chose. So I think that's important. I think knowing that you get to choose right now, the garden that you're attending to, um, and how you take care of it. And, uh, What you want it to look like in the future?
Like that's, that's cool. I think it's to plant seeds and you're like, oh, that's going to be, I, I too got zucchini out of my garden today.
A whole one. It was bigger than my daughter's face. And it was so delicious. Where is weeds? Growing girl? Like I'm out. I need to get some of that. But, but you know, it's like I did that. I chose what I wanted in there and I put it in and then I did, I, you know, I waited and I, I watered it, you know, all those things.
So I just to be transparent about something, because the watering that I did and the fruit that I picked today, or vegetable is a vignette of ever fruit or vegetable. I don't know. Anyway, my mom actually was a part of the process of way more than I was, but she's at a town. So I feel like there's a whole message to the fact that sometimes somebody else needs to come and water your garden and you need to ask for help take that and run with it on your next Sunday.
Sermon. I love it. I garden a couple of weeks ago, so far. I love it. So good. Well, it was such a gift where I put your links already, but if somebody is listening and they want to jump on Instagram right now, tell them where they can find you and your work site and things like that. And you can find firstname.lastname@example.org.
And, um, that's where I am. Primarily. Instagram is my, is my jam. It's it's my life. So I'm very real. If you couldn't guess already and very vulnerable, you're going to get something. Um, that's that I think is authentic. Most importantly, you're going to feel less alone as I'm just going to be real with you.
I'm going to tell you about all the things I'm feeling and thinking, but I, I like to give words of encouragement and breakthrough a lot as well. So, um, I think we're meant to do life together. We're meant to do community together. And so that's the point. It's not perfect. It's not clean cut. You're not going to see like very like charcuterie boards that I'm feeding them.
You're going to see that. But what you will see is somebody who's free in Christ and inviting you into that place of freedom as well. So I love that so much. I'm so grateful to know you and I cannot wait to just sit with this book. I know I'm probably going to have some tears. You wrote tears into it.
People are going to have tears afterwards, but he catches every single one of them. And he used them to water the garden that he had planned all along. So thank you for being here and you guys be sure to tune in next week, actually hope carpenter is on live tomorrow. And so I'm super excited about her.
If you don't know who she is, you will love her testimony. Um, just as much as we loved yours. Thanks again, Paige. Thank you so much.
Hey, y'all it's me again. I hope in today's episode, you sent an ignite to an Ember within you, something mentally, physically, emotionally, or spiritually moving that creates and sustains a fire within your journey. Before you go let solidify the flame. I'd love for you to take a step right now and declaring your takeaway by snapping a pick of the episode.
You tuned it to share your sparked moment and tag me at fit and faith underscore podcast, or me personally at Tamra dot dress on instant. I hope that I can keep you accountable and also share you with the greater community of the fit and faith podcast listeners. We're totally in this together.
Community over competition is the motto, right? I'd also be incredibly grateful. If you took an extra second to leave a review on iTunes or your podcast listening app, I'd love to feature your thought in the next episode and give you and your passion project, a big shout out. You know, I'm a writer. So I love words and I can't wait to read what you have.
I'm ready to fuel the plane with you together. And until next time, blessings over your joy, how well and wholeness tune in next time.