I Am Still Standing
I am so expectant for 2018 and all that it entails, but reflecting on all that has occurred in the past year has me in a stunned standstill. Going through it had moments of slight torture, though that word may be too loosely used when I think of the blessings surrounding my life. But hopefully you can relate to the agony you feel when you are trapped. The bizarre thing is, I was actually set free – chains broken – released from the device that held me, but I still felt consumed by the weight of what that meant.
If you dip a bird in oil and turn them loose, they can’t immediately fly. It takes time to clean their feathers, to regain their intended creation, ability and talent – their identity, because they are seemingly unrecognizable. You can’t see their distinct characterized colors or true shape. They need more than a bath; they need rejuvenation and replenishment. January last year, I was the floundering bird.
Wrestling with the loss of titles, the loss of relationships, the loss of direction, the loss of intention, the loss of contentment, the loss of peace – it all left me exhausted. But my Pastor put it so perfectly at our New Years Eve service – “I am still standing.” And that was the only way I was able to keep pressing forward each day. When you keep waking up. When you keep moving forward, the loss leaves and you have the energy to remove the excess oil.
I handled lost titles by identifying what those titles really meant to my life and my identity and I redressed myself in the titles intended for me to carry with dignity and grace. Though the SAHM title took some real adjusting – less about the title, more about the constant role.
I handled loss relationships by finding rest in my own company, growing new and replenishing old friendships and when the time was right reassessing the loss and preparing myself for rekindling or total separation.
I handled loss of direction by slowing my pace and highlighting a new God highlighted path. I was previously moving so fast that I didn’t really know where I was headed or why. I didn’t have a clear end game other than monetary wealth and that can’t go with me to heaven, so clearly I needed a new road map.
I handled loss of intention by stripping down what I knew as truth, reestablishing The Truth and clarifying how to be intentional about each day, each decision, and each emotion.
I handled loss of contentment by taking the time to find what true happiness means to me and establishing the places, spaces and people that help create that joy and peace in my life. By also taking the time to practice gratification each day, I was able to actually breathe again, without the weight of the world on my shoulders or in the forefront of my mind.
I handled the loss of peace by simplifying and minimizing my tangibles, my mind and my heart. I rid myself of clutter that kept me heavy, distracted and unhappy. I discovered that less is more– which has much more depth than just stuff.
None of them were easy. None of them were accomplished by myself. None of them are fully complete – will they ever be? But – I am still standing.
What has you covered in oil; leaving you feeling like you are carrying weights? What do you need to cleanse in order to regain your ability to fly?