Being Kinder to Yourself with Eli Weinstein
It is time for you to start being kinder to yourself.
I simply love connecting with people that I don’t fully know their entire storyline. Last year with the Fit in Faith podcast, I only interviewed people that I knew, that I trusted, that I was able to even have in person. And before COVID, thank you, Jesus, for the idea, I felt going into 2020 I wanted to interview people from around the globe and it has just opened my eyes to so much. It gave me the opportunity to see how other people are activating and their own version of illumination, as well as how their faith is presented in their life and in their storyline, and all of the different components of their health.
Today’s guest, Eli Weinstein, is an incredible man of God, an incredible man of wisdom, an incredible man of just knowledge and intellect and also heart. And I love that he’s a real guy. He’s a therapist, and so often you think “doctor.” And yet his podcast is called The Dude Therapist, which makes him so relatable. He is a new dad, a husband, and a public speaker. And he just has so many well-rounded pieces of who he is.
And in this episode, he shares a lot about how that was developed and what personality traits led him to the career path that he has today. We talked a lot about emotional intelligence, which is something I’m currently learning a lot about and something he knows a lot about. So it was neat to hear his perspective as well. And so I would just encourage you if you are looking to just establish, maybe re-establish your mental health, your understanding of self, of others and the environment, this is an incredible podcast to round out your 2020 and give you fresh perspective, fresh desire to step in to this next season with just hope and grace for other people. And so I am so grateful for him to be on the show. He’s got Elivation and I’ll tag all of his stuff here. But you’ve got to tune in to what he’s got going on.
Eli is a Social Work therapist who has worked in a psych hospital, intense outpatient clinic and currently works in a community clinic in queens. He created ELIvation to fill a need to help those in struggling times and add extra inspiration and motivation into everyday life. Eli has been featured on Kelly Clarkson show, IVF Warrior, Fruitful, Breaking Taboo and on multiple podcasts ranging from parenting, relationships, mental health, and infertility.
His main goal is to help people on their journey to add support, care, empathy, expertise, and insight. He runs events, seminars, and individual coaching on topics from mental health awareness, public speaking coaching, relationship coaching, and confidence-boosting.
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Show Notes: Being Kinder to Yourself
I simply love connecting with people that I don’t fully know their entire storyline. Last year with the Fit in Faith podcast, for those of you who have been following all the ways in season one, I only interviewed people that I knew, that I trusted, that I was able to even have in person. And before covid, thank you, Jesus, for the idea. I felt going into 2020 I wanted to do people from around the globe and it has just opened my eyes to so much, giving me the opportunity to see how other people are activating and their own version of illumination. How their faith is presented in their life and in their storyline, and all of these different components of their health.
And today, Elli Weinstein is an incredible man of God, an incredible man of wisdom, an incredible man of just knowledge and intellect and also heart. And I love that he’s a real guy – like he’s a therapist. And so often you think doctor. And yet his podcast is called The Dude Therapist, which makes him so relatable. He is a new dad and he’s a husband, well-rounded and he is also a public speaker. And he just has so much well rounded pieces of who he is.
And in this episode, he shares a lot about how that was developed and what personality traits led him to the career path that he has today. We talked a lot about emotional intelligence, which is something I’m currently learning a lot about and something he knows a lot about. So it was neat to hear his perspective as well. And so I would just encourage you, if you are looking to just establish, maybe re-establish your mental health, your understanding of self, of others and the environment.
This is an incredible podcast to round out your 20into20 and give you fresh perspective, fresh desire to step in to this next season with just hope and grace for other people. And so I am so grateful for him to be on the show. He’s got Elivation and I’ll tag all of his stuff here. But you’ve got to tune in to what he’s got going on. And I know we will be working together again in the future. So I hope you enjoy the podcast and let’s chat soon.
Awesome. So I have to be honest, I do not watch those things before they happen, that music, I’m like, I need to get up and run around over here.
I was getting pumped. That was so fun.
I going to tell you that all the time. That song was great. And I hope that we didn’t pull a picture that was from seven years ago.
How long ago was that? That was two months ago, I think. A month ago. Yeah.
Amazing. Where were you? In L.A.? It was gorgeous.
Those like big stairs in L.A.
I haven’t been to L.A., to be honest. I’m a San Diego gal.
Hey, I was in San Diego too, if you pick from that to as well.
Amazing. Amazing. So I have to go out there and visit. But yeah, I’m more of the even as this huge I like the beach city little vibe. It’s very much like home. Have you visited Virginia Beach?
I have not.
Going to come. It’s amazing. It’s basically the East Coast version of San Diego, except for right now it’s like 30 degrees above freezing, which is no fun at all.
That’s not the benefit. But I am a travel junkie. I actually just got back from Mexico last night at 11 o’clock. So I love seeing where people are.
And yeah, everyone’s like, you’re crazy. I’m like, no, it’s fine. This is great. So I haven’t even got to introduce what we’re doing. Or obviously you guys know that. This is the podcast. And I’m Tamara Andrest, your host. But today we have Eli on and he has so many things going on. So I’m excited that I am not the only one who who does all the things. Eli, based on how you say it, do you say Elivation?
You seem like I live in its name.
It’s so good. It’s so clever, so witty. And to do their best podcast that launched your own covid. So we’re going to talk all about that. But let me let you because they hear me talk all the time. Give your own promo, your own bio. Tell us who you are and maybe we’ll have some connection points. I know we already do. That will get us in the conversation.
So my name’s Elliott. Eli, depending on who you are and where you’re from. And I’m a therapist out in New York, married for a little over five years. I have a beautiful one and a half year old and star elevation a little bit ago to bring more awareness and understanding of digestible mental health and what it means to be human on this earth and all of that. And it’s been a good journey. It’s been a really fun journey with that.
That’s so amazing. Do you do you personally say your name is Ellie? I call myself Ellie.
So my coworkers and clients call me Eli. So my friend, really. And you don’t know anyone. OK, so I understand.
My name is. Yeah, Eli. I have a Hebrew.
I’m an Orthodox Jew, so I have a huge name that’s longer than it is my nickname. But I like American word is Eli.
Eli, you know a nephew named Eli. I like whatever call you whatever you want, but it’s better than nothing so long as you like giving your love. I mean, it’s all good.
I love that my name Tamra gets misconstrued all the time for tomorrow, etc. all the things. And so I’ve gotten used to it too. I just kind of smile, especially when somebody is on the show and they say to me, and I’m like, good.
It is what it is. No reason, no reason to cause trouble is so good in my name.
Yes. And I think, again, that kind of lends itself to your mindset towards your approachability and really what you do as a whole. And so tell us about how you got started on that journey and what led you into therapy. I am. I need therapy. I think we all do. My therapy journey has like such roots to who I am. And I am such a proponent. So I want to hear about what led you to that.
Yeah, of course.
So I grew up in a family, in a household that was very dependent on mental health. I struggled with ADHD growing up and still have my symptoms here and there, which is why I do so many things, because my brain is scattered of doing this. That and the other thing we find and I get it done doesn’t hinder me at all. It’s a superpower of mine that I embrace and went to therapy as a kid. And I always wanted to help people but don’t have the brain injury like doctors or like that really amazing relationship that doctors can truly help someone on a when I’m in need kind of scenario.
And I thought, you know what, let me be a therapist is a place where you can help someone at their lows and at their highs and be there through that journey to be a loving, caring soundboard for someone objectively with no judgments and just care. And I really hope I’m on the right journey because I’m invested.
So I put the right yeah. I think it is the right one.
That’s incredible. It’s definitely a time and financial investment. I know both, but also an emotional one because my thing I have my ordination license and so like being alongside people in a pastoral role is it’s heavy. People lay a lot on you. And I have found that I take it with me and it’s something I’m still learning not to do. I’ll sleep and lose sleep and dream or have nightmares or any of the above when somebody share things with me.
So like, how do you how do you lay that to the side when somebody shares heavy things with you?
You know, I can’t say that I’m perfect, but. Yeah, but the thing is that some things bother me more than I remember that I used to work in a psych unit. And my first day someone told, like I did an interview with someone to like an onboarding onto the unit, talking to them and discussing what’s going on, how can we help you as a unit? And told me about their suicide attempts and my desire to work so hard not to for my jaw to hit the floor.
And my co-workers were calm and collected. I looked at them and I said afterwards, how do you do that? They said, well, you get used to it. That’s so sad. And I. I ever have gotten used to it, and I hope I never do, because it’s something that is a human thing that you’re dealing with human emotions and human reality. So sometimes it really does bug me. It hurts me. It bothers me.
It gets to me and I have myself care tips and tools and things that I do to kind of decompress or separate work from life, whether it’s listening to a certain soundtrack that kind of I know is my pull out of, like the Inception thing where you, like, make sure you’re in reality.
And I also.
It does get to me sometimes, depending on the judgments and who it is, and as has now become a father, whenever there’s children involved. I can’t.
Oh my gosh. That’s literally what my mind was about to say next, because I think about my kids and like, how how do I keep that parent better? Like, it puts added value added weight and added grace, I think, to like our parenting. Because so often and I found through my own therapy the root component of how and why things are occurring often goes back to our childhood. And it’s not to say that it’s always parent child issues, but it feels like there is always something there.
And I’m like, oh, Jesus, help me out in every scenario.
And I also think that I was promoting that. I found, like I said, I’m Jewish. I found faith to be something for me. I know your podcast is fit and faith, but but faith for me, whether it’s prayer, whether it’s official prayer or not, whether it’s spirituality, wherever you find that for me has been a resource of meditation, reflection, introspection, to be able to have that moment where I disconnect from whatever’s happening in the world and connect to a higher power, a greater being or something for myself.
That I can kind of let out and try to smile, think, praise, whatever the word you want to use at that moment that you’re feeling is something that I have found a lot of a lot of comfort in for me personally.
I can’t speak for everyone, but I know for me that has been a comfort for me, where I hold a day in, day out, I pray daily in the morning, and I have my meditation and I, I say Psalms and all those kind of things that I can remind myself of centering where my goal is and what my heart is and where it should be coming into the day.
And it’s it’s like a like a morning charge or whatever those things. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Of course.
A ritual routine. Yeah. All of that. It’s critical. And I and I found obviously there is so much research on like highly successful people or people who are busy or people who are intentional as I like to say it, versus busy or even ADHD. My husband isn’t a diagnosed ADHD, but our son has walked through whether or not he is or not. We just have chosen not to get him tested. But my husband knows, like he’s ADHD, but he is so successful and he does so many things, but he has things that he has to do to center himself, to stay focused, to get realigned.
And I think honestly, we all do. And whether it’s the success that you’re driven like success for everyone is different. Right. But just to be able to live freely, to live wholly, I think that there’s a wholly you only a of money myself realizing that that that truly is a component of who we are.
And so I want to go back to when you introed yourself and you were talking about like your desire for humanity, your perspective on humanity and sharing that with people. So how does Elivation do that? Your company do that? How does your podcast do that? And obviously we know professionally in therapy you’re doing that often, but how do those two things work together?
So definitely what elevation is about is it’s not classic therapy. It’s not like you’re sitting in my office. It’s more of a coaching matter. And I think this is just my opinion as a therapist, as modern therapist, as me, as a modern therapist, I kind of have that crisscross of my mind set in therapy, whether it’s growth mindset or steps to where you need to go and the A and B in organizing and all those kind of things that make life coaches do what they do and do such a great job.
And the background of a mental health professional with training and certifications and studying and research and all those things that make me the therapy side of who I am and elevation is that if you’re not ready for therapy or you’re looking for something, whether it’s talking at a school or mental health advocacy, mental health awareness, conversations and talks, whether it’s doing relationship coaching after clients of mine that I do relationship coaching, they don’t want or feel the need to go to a therapist’s office.
And actually, I’ve pushed them to go to therapy if I feel and it doesn’t have to be with me because I truly believe that any one they can find wellness. That’s the goal. Someone’s wellness is more important than my ego. So if I can find them, someone that’s going to help them, that matters more to me than the money that’s in my pocket or if I keep them on and the numbers that I promote for myself that I’ve worked with doesn’t matter.
And they absolutely. The podcast is kind of more of I’m not a great writer, but the better speaker. So it’s more of my thought process or different topics, whether it’s mental fatherhood. My wife and I went through infertility. So that thing with parenting and infertility, I talk about and have guests on my show of different walks of life. And the wholeness of wellness, basically, and what that means, whether it’s a therapist, the life coach, someone who has sobriety for 20 years and wants to talk about it, all those little things and nooks and crannies combined to help people with whatever they’re going through.
So cool. I love that. And I think there is I actually coach a couple of people who are are doing this piece where it’s like the therapy blended with coaching and if you like, coaching has gotten such a bad rap, like everybody just like raises your hand and says, like, I’m a coach. But there actually are people who have reasons why they call themselves a coach versus a therapist or versus something different. I think at any season of my life growing up, like we all had coaches.
And so why should we not have coach as an adult? Actually had a girlfriend whose daughter just got enrolled at High Point University in North Carolina. And they actually are given upon enrollment, upon acceptance, a life coach six months prior to enrollment that walks alongside them for the duration of their enrollment at the university.
And I was like, awesome, that’s really it. And like, they’re in their faith and things, too.
But like specifically life coaching, I’m like that is a time where I really needed a life coach did not have an idea even in my in my degree. What am I doing with my life? Where is this going? I mean, all the things really that’s probably what led me to therapy later. But regardless, I think it’s really interesting that I was actually reading this book on vacation that plays so beautifully into this conversation. So, again, I don’t believe in coincidences.
I believe in God winks, but I have it laying next to me. And as you’re talking, so many of the things that you’ve already said are either in this book or I’m recognizing within you because it’s in the forefront of my mind and it’s the concept of emotional intelligence.
And I don’t know if you really love I’ve read intelligence, you read all those things, and I know doubt it.
I’m a thank you. And it’s something, by the way, that I truly believe is part and parcel of my ADHD. I think I had to learn social skills and really work very hard to be in tune versus floating around and being all over the place and not having those social cues, which is a symptom of leadership, is social cues issues.
I did not have them well, growing up, I was all over the place, so I really had to work very hard. So I love non-fiction books. My wife is like a fiction book, the serial killer thrillers and whose husbands killing whose wife and whose wife is as has been, and she’s sitting their privacy. And I’m sitting there with like tabs and like writing martyrs. And like I said there, we have very different styles of what we read.
And I love emotional intelligence. I think it’s key for a lot of things that we do in our life. And just to give listeners an understanding of what this is, because I’ve heard emotional intelligence or IQ thrown out all the time and not really understanding fully what it is this book specifically is talking about, like the IQ, let’s put it, the frame IQ three, which is going around the understanding in the awareness of self, the understanding and awareness in relationships, and then that of the environment and how all three are constantly working together.
And therefore there’s a lot of inputs, but there’s also a lot of outputs from us. And so for us to realize how the brain actually works with our limbic system versus fight or flight and all these buzzwords. Right. Like these buzzwords that have been given to me even through therapy for so long. And I really didn’t know how they work one on a cellular level for my brain, but then also just in a relational and environmental level, because emotional intelligence to me was awareness of self, and yet we never are.
I will tell you, I’ve been gone for six days and I was not by myself even to go to the bathroom or take a shower because of my six year old daughter for six whole days. OK, so there is ever a moment where self in and of itself is actually happening. You’re constantly thinking about other people. So just really interesting and I’m not even finished with the book, so I’m excited to keep lurking away is having away way. But I feel like because of what you do and also because of your self awareness from childhood and even now, it’s definitely something that was something worth mentioning.
Thank you. Know, I it’s just funny how it posted listening.
I literally used Post-it notes with little flags, all my books. You know, I’ve read a book where there was just like a rainbow of flags of it and something that that is also part of the ADHD mindset of I know I remember this line, but I know it’s going to be in this book, what this book is about because of the cover. And I read it. So I know that if I need like a reference or resource, I just go through the flags and go, oh, there’s a line and.
For me, it’s always constant learning from everything in life, yeah, wherever it is, whoever it’s from, which is why I love doing podcasts and lies with people, Diermeier, like yourself, people who are doing amazing work in the world, because you can learn from everyone. And I love that you brought that book out because it’s I think it’s always important to be learning, growing, no matter where you are in the stage of your career, how smart or how good you are, what you do, you can learn something new.
And I think a lot of books like that are talking about nowadays, this idea of emotional intelligence, even though Daniel Goleman and, you know, all these other people written about it in research about it forever, but it’s truly find the right balance of a certain writing that speaks to you. Yeah, absolutely. And puts it in a certain way that clicks versus the of the books you read. Good for you. It’s amazing you’re reading that.
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Yeah, it’s really good. And in this specific one is talking about like in the business setting and how we can apply it to ourselves as coaches or in an entity of coworking or any of what that means to you. And so from a professional level, I just had never I really never considered it. And it made me think through as they were giving examples of like large corporate settings, which I’m not in. How does this apply to me and like an individual client or when I’m coaching a group or bringing people together for conferences like you do or therapy sessions like all of that?
It really is at play all the time. And now more than ever, having this understanding of emotional intelligence allows us freedom when things that are crazy and out of control. And I’m hoping I can remember that acronym. It’s Verka Bucy. Have you heard of this? No, it’s basically applying to the environment and their environment is always versatile. Versatility, uncertainty, C is complexity and A is ambiguity. I did it.
OK, so these four things versatility, uncertainty, complexity and ambiguity is the environment at all given times, and especially during the season of the world and the time of twenty, twenty and Koban and all of that stuff. And politically and spiritually, I mean, I think that there’s every realm of of our our self is being just messed with right now. If we have this sense of emotional intelligence, it allows us to understand why we’re feeling an emotion and then how to.
Respond versus unnecessary immediate reactions, which I love, that happens all the time. Yeah, I think that I think right now we’re in a state of just so much complexity and volatile feelings, like a volcano, like erupt from any direction on a given day. And it’s very hard to kind of keep centered. So we are aware of ourselves and the three parts of ourselves, others, and also the integration of the two of those things. It can kind of help us navigate the ins and outs of life that we’re dealing with, because those three things are constant.
Like you said, even on vacation, you have no alone time with my daughter, my daughter starting out right now. Every time my wife goes to the bathroom, she goes, where are you going?
Where are you going? What are you doing? And is so curious that following you, you don’t have a long time.
I’m not there yet, but it’s hard to avoid the bathroom with my child yet. It’s a rite of passage. Yeah. And so. So you appreciate that a long time. When you don’t when you don’t go around.
I could not wait to get in the car this morning.
Oh, that’s true.
You know, I miss that. I was saying before that my separation that I think of of work to home. I used to listen to a classical music playlist that was my kind of brain reminding myself, OK, work’s done home life. I don’t have that now because I like to go out the door of this room and I’m back in the home, you know, so it’s like this like confusing time right now for a brand. I love that you said spiritually also.
It’s very interesting. It’s very hard.
Yeah. There are so many questions circling. And so like with clients and stuff that you’ve been seeing and working with, what have you noticed is like a common trend or thread or a thing that you constantly keep hearing?
People say, I think it’s a few things is uncertainty, right? When we’re talking about the future? That idea is so foreign right now because I don’t know about you, but in twenty nineteen, like twenty twenty is going to be the year I go south. I’m going to do this then the other thing and then on January happens and you’re, you’re primed and you’re going. February happened in March, everything hit the fan and you’re like, oh my gosh, it’s almost been a year now we’re amber.
And that happened. So that uncertainty and this idea of radical acceptance of dealing with what we have. Right, accepting the reality of the world, you don’t have to like it. You don’t have to enjoy it. But this is the reality. You need to deal with it. How we deal with that is really the conversation that we’ve been doing a lot of the work with a lot of my clients.
Change of expectations. Right. The idea of perceptions and expectations of the reality can really mess with your head. So if you expect to go to work and not have to deal with X, Y and Z because you’re not home, well, that’s not the case anymore. You’re a parent. You’re a husband, a wife, a partner. You’re a you’re a caregiver and you’re doing your job and you’re taking care of your home all together, all at once.
So the idea of your role right now and the expectations of the roles that having a conversation with a lot of people as well. And the third thing is just general anxiety of like. What’s going on and the sense of ridiculousness that’s happening in our hearts and our minds and our bodies and how to kind of come to terms with that.
It’s interesting because we know that we are an evolutionary being, like we’re not the same today as we were 10 years ago or 20 years ago. All the things and I think technology has a huge piece at play right now that we really don’t even know what the trajectory of that looks like. But trying to understand this season and how that’s going to affect us moving forward or affect our children is going to be really interesting because I feel like that fight mode.
Right. Is going to actually be more common than what it already is at any given moment, because we’re afraid of of the fear of the unknown and also the tumultuous situation that we’re finding ourselves in.
So from our idea of what’s going to happen with my child a year and a half old, I don’t know if this is going to be impeding on her social skills in the future. I don’t know if we will ever know that.
Are you watching too much TV? Is she you know, all those like we have to live if we nit pick it, all the things we have to just deal with what we’re dealing with right now to the best that we can do and everything else is ever since is kind of out of our control because it’s so hard. We try so hard as human beings to control, to control our outcomes, to control our careers, our spouses, our partners, our situation or life or money or everything, to make sure that it fits and does well.
That’s not the case right now, and we have to give up a little bit to be able to be OK, and that’s a hard balance sometimes for, myself included, for people to give in to that reality that I don’t have control right now. And that’s just true.
I feel that I lost so much of. So I’m actually my home is in the middle of a renovation right now. The whole downstairs is being renovated. And I love that. My husband told me that it was like a kitchen remodel. But then when he told me all the walls were coming down, I was like at work. So I come back from like a sand bottom floor is right. I’m walking barefoot and dirty through the streets and, like, don’t have shoes on.
I don’t care at all. But I walk into my house and there is sawdust and just nastiness everywhere all the way up my stairs. And I’m like, so overwhelmed, so anxious, so out of control, because I know if I sweep it, it’s a wasted energy because it’s just going to come right back a minute later. And so trying in that know how and also in the safe space of what’s I imagine the expectations of my own, like releasing control is so hard.
It’s a really difficult. We need it, we’ve we’ve started from as a child, we out we’ve ran on schedule, animals on and not in an unhealthy way.
We wake up every time we go to the dot, we go to the babysitter, we go to school, we do this then that. We come home, we watch TV for whatever our rules, our homework, and we eat and go to bed and do it again and again.
And then that has been thrown off. Yeah.
It’s so true of navigating. Exactly.
Because you sat, like you said, at the beginning of the year, you had all these goals and now the expectations of those goals have completely changed, shifted, maybe completely halted because it’s not possible. And I’ve tried really hard this year to not not be oblivious by any means and not be what’s the word I’m looking for negligent, I guess, but also just to keep going. And I have had many people being like, why is this not facing you?
Like, why are you still so joyful? Why are you still traveling? And I’m like, you know, it’s just I’m choosing to operate this way. And I have the other alternative to just freeze up and stop and not allow my kids to go places, not wear masks, don’t wear them out. All the conversations. And it’s been one of the best years that we’ve had as a family.
I love that you said that because, yeah, it’s really important for a lot of people to understand also this conversation a lot with people. The idea of feeling bad about having good right now, because like I have spent so much time with my daughter that I will never be able to have with any other child again.
Yeah, exactly. And it’s certainly been and it’s been a blessing. I saw her walk. I saw her talk more than ever. I’m around. She knows who I am. We bonded. We just jokes. I also get different all the time with my wife, which I did not get before, and, you know, there is a hardship in that because we don’t have we miss missing each other a little bit, going away and going like, oh, I haven’t seen you in eight hours.
Oh, I miss you. Kiss, kiss, Ohara, you know, but we miss that.
But still, I get this and I’m healthy. Thank God I’m healthy and I’m good. My job is good. So there are blessings that have happened. But it’s really hard sometimes to appreciate that or based on other people’s feelings about their negative life or the world as a whole. How could you have a good time? And going on those two things are not the same. Yeah.
And those two things that are different, you can have a good life and enjoy the world that’s going on now because you’re pivoting. I love the word pivoting because pivoting means you’re moving, but it doesn’t mean you’re fully away. You’re just adjusting a little bit and you’re going to come back like basketball. You move your body a little bit and you come back to the point. So now twenty twenty is a pivot. It’s a movement from what you might have expected.
And we’re going to come back to hopefully whatever reality might be going in the future. And we can’t not enjoy our life. We can’t live or stop our lives. We have to live our lives in the confines of health and wellness and to the best of our abilities in twenty twenty. Yeah.
So speaking to the contrary, where I have lost friends and community members and I know like suicide rates and everything are so increased at this point, how can you speak to the people who are frozen, who can’t pivot, who do feel that sense of urgency for change now? But we’re not getting it.
I think the reality is that that’s OK. Yeah, it’s OK to feel the shock of the pandemic because that’s it’s terrible, right? I’ve lost family members. I have friends of mine who’s lost family members who have died and have lost their jobs and a reality of what they need for for mental stability. And it’s OK to be stuck. The key is to be kind to yourself. The key is to love yourself and be OK with that because you had no control over this.
You didn’t do this on purpose and this didn’t happen for a purpose to hurt you. It is not to be malicious. It is a panic that we have no control over. And it means feeling the feelings and appreciating that those feelings are real and doing the best I can with what you have. Day in, day out and trying to push yourself to what you might think you need to be doing or what you want to be doing, but actually do what you need to be doing and to see where that takes you.
That’s really good. And I think in that in a part of the ECU conversation, we’re having the is realizing that everybody is going to do that differently and having grace and the understanding of humanity to not judge, to not get angry with, to not put up arms towards other people who are doing it differently. And last night I got like one of my first trolls, if you will. I heard them and called. I have never called somebody that.
But last night I actually was like, that’s what that feels like. When I posted a real on Instagram of me and my daughter and we were in a golf cart with photographers and her and I didn’t have our mask on and they were men from Cancun, Mexican men who were wearing their mask. And I was called negligent, privileged white person, a racist and chose the other word all in one thread. And I was like, oh, OK, this is intense.
I didn’t know that people had this much hatred. Meanwhile, I’ve never heard of these people. They’ve never commented on any other thing I’ve ever done. And there and then. And then they attacked my my spirituality and my religious preference. And I ended up blocking after responding kindly and they kept going, just blocking and deleting. And they came back on another account. And we’re like, oh, we already screenshot of it. Nice try. Like we are still watching you.
And I’m like, oh my God.
And so I had a choice. And I’m so grateful that I read that book the last couple hours prior to you on the plane because it was, again, a control issue. I could have controlled the fact that I don’t like when people don’t like me. So my people pleasing self could have rose up and I would have not slept all night, which is typical. This is a normal situation. But instead I was like, OK, what’s happening?
That is allowing somebody else a hurt person to try and hurt somebody. And they’re a variable perspective on me. I they I am not racist. I’m so far from I was actually being kind. I’d already asked the people that photographers told us not to wear our mask.
We were outside on a golf cart and like all these things are going through my brain. But it’s the realization that as people choose, their pivot is going to look different. They’re not wearing the same shoe as you, OK? And we can’t judge something that we don’t know. And it’s unfair for us as human beings to try and expect from other people what we expect from ourselves when we can’t even live up to our own expectations.
Wow. I love first of all, I’m sorry that happened to you. You know, I guess I balance to have, right. Because you were living your life in a safe way that you felt was safe for you and someone took what they felt was reality and what they felt was their safety and projected and made you feel like the bad person.
I have a friend of mine who lives in Vegas and during the height of the pandemic there, rules in Nevada were different because it wasn’t as rampant. And I remember seeing a picture that she was in a restaurant. Yeah. And the rules of the time was that fifty percent capacity was allowed in the restaurant. Right. And in New York I was not. And my first thought was, what is she doing? You know, we’re in a pandemic.
Yeah. So I took it. I that was my first reaction and that’s OK. Automatic happened to this breath. And I thought to myself, one second, she’s a smart girl. She’s living her life. Let me ask her what’s going on and respectful. Be respectful and talk to her privately, not publicly on board where everyone else can see.
Yeah, I said, yeah, this restaurant and lot of rules are 50 percent capacity. And I’ve been getting so much hate for this picture. Thank you so much for not hating me for this. I said I did originally, but I didn’t know. Now I understand. Thank you for understanding. You know, whether it’s with your prayer services, whether it’s with jobs, whether it’s with the way you post.
I got flack for posting too many pictures of my child, of course, because it’s inappropriate for my child to be up front and center in my life as as a therapist. I shouldn’t be talking about it. And it shook me. But I realize, you know what? This person has a more conservative view, and that’s OK. And we’re just giving me feedback as a colleague of mine and. They want to let me know I didn’t like it, but when someone then crosses the boundaries and you are experiencing negative, terrible words and they don’t even know you and it’s not like you did anything outright, that’s where things instant degeneration.
I was reading a book and I was listening to a podcast by Jonathan Gates HPI and. The book is called The Righteous Minds, and it’s why good people separate on such issues like politics, religion and beliefs. And he was on the podcast index, the DAX Shepards podcast armchair expert, and he was talking about his idea of the calling out generation, all about calling people out who we might not agree with just to like burn them at the stake, so to speak, and diminish them and make them feel a little.
That hurts people. Yeah, and I think it’s about a healthy balance, understanding where your life is and where someone else’s life is and that you can live yours and I can live mine as long as we’re respecting and loving each other for who we are. Yeah, that’s all we can do for differences.
There needs to be dignity and differences that I respect you for. I’m an Orthodox Jew. You’re not a big deal. Are you a good person? Wonderful. Do you have your beliefs? Amazing. Do I have mine? Great. Can we learn from each other? Of course. Beautiful. There you go. End of story.
Why does it have to be so much so that I love it? It is so true. Speaking of adorable, but it’s not simple because she made it right. I’m going to say it is simple because if you trace it all back to the beginning, there is a simplicity factor that we neglect all the time and especially.
Yeah, especially when it comes to those big conversations and these big topics.
I did want to ask you specifically about being an Orthodox Jew and what that means versus regular Judaism, because I have a family family member, I’ve got an entire branch of our family who are all practicing Jews. And I am so I love them. We talk all the time about Old Testament beliefs, and I’ve been to bat mitzvahs and all the things.
And I, I there’s culture there that I just think is incredibly beautiful and forgotten in Christianity and needs to be re-established.
And so I’d be curious what that looks like for you.
It’s a great question and a long conversation about those terminologies of Orthodox reform and conservative Jews. Yeah, I am a Jewish male practice Judaism. I go to synagogue on Sabbath, I keep kosher. I do all those things that for some reason puts me in a box of Orthodox Judaism is another sect of Judaism called Hasidism. There’s another sect called conservatism and. That in the end, truly don’t mean that much. Yeah, it’s really about the the box that we’re put in based on the laws that we follow or how stringent we are on those laws and how letter of the law, we follow those things.
I’m not a rabbi. So it’s a it’s a really bigger question than that. But in the end, you know, if you’re Jewish, you’re Jewish. Great. Like a nation.
And exactly. It’s like with Christianity, there are different sects of Christianity, very similar in that kind of mentality of taking a little bit of here and doing something from there and having a different thing and ritual there, which then creates the different term and different box that you’re put in.
So how do you feel from your evolution in your own personal growing? How does your faith go into what you do on a consistent basis beyond your mourning rituals?
So it’s kind of hard because, you know, as a therapist, I’m supposed to be objective. Yeah, right. I have clients who are Christian, Muslim, Jewish, Jehovah’s Witness, atheist, agnostic, all walks of life coming to see me of all backgrounds, all races, creeds and religions, which makes my job wonderful. And I love that. And as a therapist, I do not bring my personal beliefs in that office, which is where the separation of therapy is, which is it doesn’t mean that I don’t have my beliefs.
It doesn’t mean it doesn’t make me who I am as a whole person because I am a person with all those things that make me me. Yeah, but if someone is saying something that might be against my religion or even a Jewish person who is saying something, it is not my job to be judge and jury, to be any more to the point or my job is to be there for them fully, for them where they’re at, what they’re dealing with.
Nothing to do. Ask me a question like you did.
Hey, what does it mean to you? Let’s have a conversation. Beautiful. You brought it up. Not me. Yeah. So that’s really where the difference is. And also, it does shape my beliefs of being trying to be the good person in the presence of God and to be emulate what God would want and how that means to be a good person. And yes, that looks different depending on what book you read and where you come from, but in the end really treating people with love and respect.
So it has shaped me to fully embrace that to the best of my ability day in, day out, and to give people the love and respect that I hope I have for them.
I love that so much. It’s so valuable. And I think it’s there’s probably moments where it can be difficult to it’s similar to letting go of certain things. And it’s a learning process for all of us. But I want to know, like, give me some trajectory. Where is elevation going? Where is your your podcast going? Where do you see yourself in a couple of years and how how are you getting there today. Like what’s that little move up the hill.
I have a lot of dreams. I’m big dreamer and I would like to write a few books in the future. Hopefully it will be your next to you next time we talk, you know, and and stuff of that nature and a few book ideas in mind. I would like to have a practice in the future where I really can take my own clients and weed through what I want to work with and how I want to work with them and be my own boss.
I would love to be on the top 100 list in the US within the next year or two and be a public speaker and really bring. Understanding of what mental health truly means, stigma and giving people care and to be seen for who they are devoid of mental health because it doesn’t really matter in the end, it makes them who they are. And I think that it is just one extra piece to someone and it is a struggle and it is real.
And I’m not diminishing that whatsoever. But to make them more human and less diagnostic and less sterile, but more real as a person. We’ll see where that takes me.
That’s really neat. And I think the stigma pieces is something that interests me specifically because now because people are more open and they’re calling themselves out. Right. I, I am this, I am this. I deal with anxiety or I deal with depression or I have in the past. It’s immediately like a stigma of that person is like this. That person has gone through this, that person has thought about or attempted suicide. So they are like this, which is just not true.
I don’t believe it all in perspective, but also like season to season. I mean, the person I am today is so drastically different than the person that I was five years ago, which is a massively different than the person I was two decades ago. And so trying to help people like free themselves from the current moment of who this person is through this one specific lens, which goes back to literally everything we were talking about. I love how everything comes full circle, but talk to me like from a stigma perspective, like how can beyond just your podcast, maybe conferences, beyond a book like how can we and me as a colleague, a friend, help activate that share with the people that I’m in touch with on a consistent basis?
Well, I think what you said is so beautiful and I think it really is about giving people the space to feel, to heal and deal with it and be able to just be OK with say, hey, I went through anxiety, no stigma attached. It means absolutely nothing. You know, I had my first panic attack after my daughter was born. Does it make me any less of a human know? It makes me more of a human. And then on top of it, I also believe that when it comes down to it.
Stuff happens in our life. We’re dealing with things day in, day out, and mental health is just as important as well. Yeah, absolutely. It makes you a person. It makes you how you deal with it a person. It makes your failures and successes as a person.
It’s all beautiful and all wonderful and it’s all just, you know, and in the end, if you come to me and say, hey, I had anxiety and this, let me help someone talk it out, what does that truly mean? How do you define yourself, the listening ear, but actually just be there with no judgment, no advice? No. Here’s what I did. Here’s what you should do.
Let them talk. And then if they want to ask you for advice, they will because they know you’re there already and that’s something that’s really important, is to let people know that you’re there to hear and listen, especially during really rough times like now. Yeah, that’s so good.
And is feel heal and deal a book title yet because you know, that is that I not mind.
That is totally Tiphanie ro amazing. She’s amazing. And so tagline for everything is feel you’ll feel so good. I wish I could but she it’s all hers and I want to give her full.
All right mate. Brilliant. Devinney So good. I’ll have to connect with her. Outdraws That’s really fun. Well, I would love to share with people how they can get in touch with you moving forward. And right now, today, you guys got to listen to his podcast, The Dude Therapist. And then are you most active on Instagram?
Yes, I most accounts, yeah, very much so.
And over there, I noticed that there just one, but there just one. And it’s elevation. Underscore therapist. Nice. So good. Is there any specific last bit of information you want to share with the audience?
Yes. Yes. I love this. It’s OK. Just be kinder to yourself and give yourself space to feel and be patient because change takes time and you deserve to give yourself the love that you give to other people when they’re going through some period to yourself as well. I know I struggle with that. I feel so pressured to be and do and go take a moment, take a deep breath and appreciate where you’ve come from to know where you’re going and will be a lot happier with the now right now.
So good. Ellie, it was such a joy. Thank you so much. I had to wrap up with both forms of your name and I can’t wait to connect again all the blessings to you and your family. And I’m going to go on Instagram to find what’s your baby girl looks like because I’m sure she’s beautiful.
All all my wife.
That’s amazing. All right. Have an awesome day. See you guys. Hey, it’s me again, I hope in today’s episode, you sense and ignite to an ember within you, something mentally, physically, emotionally or spiritually moving that creates and sustains a fire within your journey. Before you go, let’s solidify the flame. I’d love for you to take a step right now and declare your take away by snapping a pic of the episode. You tune in to share your sparks moment and tag me at Biton Face Underscore podcast or me personally at Tamara and Respon.
Instead, I hope that I can keep you accountable and also share you with the greater community of the Bitten Faith Podcast listeners. We’re totally in this together. Community over competition is the motto, right? I’d also be incredibly grateful if you took an extra second to lead a review on iTunes or your podcast listening app. I’d love to feature your thought in the next episode and give you and your passion project a big shout out. You know I’m a writer, so I love words and I can’t wait to read what you have to say.
I’m ready to fuel the flame with you together and until next time, blessings over your joy, help, wealth and wholeness. Tune in next time.