Adulting 101 with Pete Hardesty
How many of you guys can raise your hand to the fact that you need to adult better? Well, today's podcast guest, Pete Hardesty, has been a friend of mine for a very long time, and we reconnected this past year. He has been a mentor in many ways through Young Life, which is an organization that helps adolescents become who they are meant to be.
Way before I understood identity and before I even considered writing "Always Becoming: Sex, Shame, & Love", Pete Hardesty was there teaching me. He was planting seeds years ago, and I believe the younger generations, especially with today's turmoils and traumas, need someone like Pete, who is now 30 plus years into his time with the Young Life organization and a co-author to two best-selling books - Adulting 101 Book One and Book Two.
Enjoy the gems he drops about how we can help the younger generations step into who they are meant to be!
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Pete Hardesty currently lives in Washington DC and serves as the Young Life College Divisional Coordinator for the Eastern part of the U.S. Young Life is an international non-profit helping adolescents become all they were meant to be.
Pete is co-author of the 2 Amazon #1 bestsellers ADULTING 101 Book 1 and 2. Both of these books provide tools to help young have wild success in the "real world." Book 2 was released in April 2021 and focuses on inner adulthood and mental health.
Having grown up in Baltimore, MD, Pete graduated from the University of Virginia, where he was pre-med, emphasizing "pre." He crammed his 3 years of grad school into 17 and finally received his Masters of Divinity in 2014.
A passion for the Middle East has inspired Pete to lead service trips for the last 14 years, primarily working with Palestinian kids in the West Bank. Pete is a frequent international speaker, having spoken to over 100,000 young people, in groups as big as 4000 and as small as 0. He has been working with college students for over 20 years and loves helping them achieve their potential.
His two nieces are his absolute favorite people in the world. You should meet them. You would like them.
Where to Find Pete:
Show Notes: Adulting 101 with Pete Hardesty
How many of you guys can raise your hand to the fact that you need to hashtag adult better hashtag adult better? Well, today's podcast guest, Pete. Hardesty a friend of mine for a very long time, but truly just re. Did in this past year, he has been a mentor in many ways through young life. If you've never heard of the young life organization that helps internationally, uh, people and adolescents specifically become who they were meant to be in.
I was in my formative years still becoming I'm still becoming as you know, with my new book, that's out always becoming sex, shame and love. But before I understood identity, before I understood the depths of my relation, The Lord Pete Hardesty was there teaching me he was planting seeds and I believe our generations, especially with today's turmoils and traumas need someone like Pete, who is now 30 plus years in the industry, specifically with the young life organization and a co-author to, to Amazon.
Number one best. Those called adulting 1 0 1 book, one adulting, 1 0 1, book two. So clever. I helping children, kids, young adults. I think they're all kiddos until they're about 30. Really. I call them the wondering years and you'll learn why in this episode, but help them with real world success and understanding that success is an inner adulting thing, a mental health experience.
And also sure there are real practical tools and tips. And so he does that between the two of these books. Alongside his coauthor and he's brilliant. I'm grateful for his ministry. And I know that this is just the beginning and I say that even after 30 years, he's got so much more, God has so much more in store for how he's going to transform lives.
And so I hope you enjoy P artisty today and we will be in touch soon. Don't forget to tag us, subscribe and review, and we will leave you a comment back and share it on our socials. We love to do that, and I am grateful for your listenership. Thanks so much. Welcome to the fit and faith podcast fit is an acronym representing founders, innovators, and trailblazers who are looking to live a life wholly, fully, authentically, and truly fit as space for us to connect on the raw real stories of mind, body, and soul alignment of entrepreneurs.
And kingdom leaders. I'm your host, Tamra and dress. And this podcast, isn't like the cookie cutter interview experience. I've been coined the entrepreneurial rabbi. And so we do go there unscripted, no matter how far wide, deep or high there is. My desire is to see people rise from the inside, out, into their greatest calling, by sharing their truest stories, talents.
As a purpose activator and brand builder, I believe our successes and failures are derived from who and whose we are not what we do, but strategy and vision are equally as important to the mission. So let's cut to the chase together and get fit in fake.
Here we are the one and only feet hardest. D you guys I'm so excited to have you, your Pete. Thanks for coming on jam, bro. Thanks for having me. Awesome. If you guys don't know the backstory, but we're about to get into it, Pete and I have known one another or at least of one another, uh, for, I just to do the math on this, maybe.
40 years. I look good. I look really good toys at 20 years. Gosh, it would be 20 years. That's crazy to think about. So 20 years since high school, um, P has been a part of the young life organization for many, many years. And for those of you who have been following along with the fit and fade pod, Or my story in any capacity, young wife is, um, very much ingrained in a part of who I am today, um, on many different levels.
And it'll actually be a blueprinted in my book that comes out next week. And he is also an author himself, uh, actually a multi-author of two Amazon number one best sellers. And so we'll get into the goods of that, but I'm grateful to continue this friendship and let it evolve for the kingdom. And so thank you for showing up and connecting.
Who would have thought, who would install those years back in Virginia Beach? You know, Tim it's so fun really is it's crazy. So I'm going to have to tag all of our young life people here so that they can go back and listen to it. I'm thinking of some of my faves. So you were with what high school, when or you, or were you with all of young life division at that point?
No in Virginia Beach. I started, uh, leading at, uh, my first year I was Cox in Kemptville. They weren't meeting together, but my life was crazy. I've slept in the office sometimes not far away from each other. They're like 30 minutes away. And then I just did capsule for five years and then princess and Milan.
Okay. And then you followed me to JMU. I did, I did James Madison university. I mean, what a school, what a great it really is. It's really awesome. And now you're up in DC doing the young college divisional coordinator role for the Eastern us, right? Yes. Seattle life. Can't get rid of me. They've tried to just keep hanging on, but now I kind of oversee and encourage and support the, uh, our college work in kind of the.
East and north, north Atlantic kind of region really quite the career. Yeah. It's 24 years. I mean, it's all I've ever done since college. I have to leave. I'm going to be like this. Yeah. What do I do now? Right. But I think that there's also that element of, of sharpening and shaping that's transpired that, whatever it be, it'll be something you'll get to rely on all of the, the tools and talents that you.
Yeah. Plentiful. So speak to us about kind of the backstory to Pete. Like how did you even get into young life in the first place? Were you always within church or within your faith or belief system? No, I didn't grow up really going to church. My mom was such an incredible person. She would try to drag us from time to time.
He'd be on holidays. And, uh, but then I got into high school and I was, uh, I was a fine care. I wouldn't get. But just starting to kind of go down a little bit of the party route. And I played soccer and an older guy on the soccer team asked me to go to young life and I was a freshman. He was a junior and I was thought I was way too cool for that.
And I was like, nah, I'm cool. It's good. I don't even know what it was. He said words that would forever change my life. He said it's at Stephanie Selways house. I mean, she was a junior also. And I, I knew her. She did not know me. I had this big crush on her. I, I think I bumped, we bumped into each other, the cafeteria and I tried to sit with someone.
And I think when I come out of my mouth is like
something and I looked and then walked off. And so I said, we get in her house, we'll go into her house. And he's like, yeah, I pick, what time are you picking me up? So he picked me up. We went and I just, I don't remember much about what we did that, that meeting. I just remember that all, so many different kids there, the energy, the fun, it felt like everybody belonged.
I mean, kids of all sizes were there. And, and then at the end, this guy who at that time seemed ancient to me. He had to be at least 30 years old. I stood up. Right. And he opens the Bible and starts reading. Ah, I th I remember thinking. Do you know who these kids are, like, they might kill you, but we don't, you're opening the Bible.
It's a weeknight in someone's basement. And I, I don't remember again what he said, but I do remember thinking, huh? I didn't think Jesus really had anything much to do with my everyday life, but I was wrong. So I was hooked. And so I kind of went to in life for another couple of more years, but then at, at a summer camp, that's when I kinda called lake champion.
That's when I that's, when God kind of said, okay, it's your. That is so amazing. So I've gone to like champion as well. So I'm curious being in the young life world for so long, do a lot of people who are now a part of young life, have a similar story or like touchpoint from young life. I think so a lot of the staff were impacted or gave their lives to Christ through.
Uh, because we know it works. That's the one thing it's like, well, we know this thing works. Maybe we should be mentors. Chuck rhino would always say, I'm so glad young life didn't stop before they got to my high school. You know, a lot of, a lot of, uh, we're we're homegrown fruit. So some of them would say, yeah, and I'm still in touch with my young life leader.
Um, he still lives in Baltimore. That's run from Danny O'Brien and just a tremendous guy. Who's just walked with me for now. I mean, that was 1991. I think I gave my life to Christ. So Tamra has 30 years ago. Really crazy. That's really cool. I still have, I'm sending out my right over here. My Bible that when Levis gave me, when I spoke at the young life, um, dinner, that banquet that you guys have for fundraising and stuff, when I was maybe a junior or sophomore or junior.
And so. At that little thing goes with me on all my vacations, everywhere I go. And, um, it's definitely been an imprint in my life and, and I utilized it as a. Crutch towards running from God, actually, um, for a season and even in the season where you and I connected again, when I was going to the JMU young life for a little while, I'm getting plugged into the middle school there and trying to help and trying to like to rediscover my identity in Christ.
And I say rediscover because I was so malleable ninth and 10th grade, I gave my life to Christ in ninth grade through a young. Person who was like the young youth leader, Luke barns. You remember Luke? Can't forget Luke. Um, and then I just, I got really hurt by people. Not right, like that church hurt people get church hurt and then they blame it on God.
And I was doing that because I thought that these are the leaders that are supposed to engulf me in this, in this sad season where people found out that I had been. Sexually immoral, essentially at a young age, which is not abnormal, especially I'm not abnormal for a lot of the kids that were going to young life.
but I felt like I was completely ostracized. I felt completely like this isn't normal and therefore you cannot be a leader and you cannot come. And all of these things. And I had completely severed ties with my best friends from the last four years, three months before graduation. And so it was a really hard time.
My parents didn't even know what happened. Um, I was really good at putting on a smile. And so I just leaned into hanging out with the kids who were willing and okay with my ulterior, um, choices. And so going into college, I was just like, I know what is calling me, but I still am hanging out in this other group of people.
And so I just Teeter tottered for so long. Until I had in my life one moment at which ones aren't until I was 29. So we were talking offline about this season between adolescence and adulthood and how critical it is for us to have our identity rooted. And I just, I, I tried, I just couldn't, he didn't have me because I was prodigal.
I was making my own choices. Right. Flush was over at 29 or what. W, what was that moment? What brought you back? What, what made it? So that was my first full on Jesus encounter, where I had had many, um, what I would call now in the understanding of many holy spirit experiences at young life and Rockbridge.
And I can remember sitting under the stars at Rockbridge when we do the one where you just go out and just kind of by yourself. Right. And I remember. Syncing him, but I just, I don't think I was mature enough or willing to let go of the other parts of my testimony that were keeping me in, in golfed and trapped and subconsciously I didn't even know what that was, which I didn't find out until I was 29 going to therapy, figuring out what had been suppressed and what was actually holding grip on me.
So when I had that first encounter with. I can close my eyes and I'll never forget exactly where I was exactly what God himself said to me, all of those emotions. Right. Um, and that's really where fit and faith in, in this podcast. And all of that emerged was from that moment in that transition and final.
Oh, man. That is awesome. I'm so glad. I mean, I think it's wherever you are in life, it's never too late. A lot of people, maybe you have were involved with Jesus or young life or a church or something in high school, college, something. And then they've kind of either on purpose, drifted by mistake, drifted or wherever.
And it's never, that, that was a little bit of my story to my freshman year of college, especially was a time of running. Towards not away from God. And then you just think, well, I've run far enough that I must be honest. I can't get back. I can't run all the way back. And so, but the weird part is he's right behind you.
You, it doesn't matter how far away, like he is literally there and he's never. Tamra. I don't think ever that Jesus is ever like this ever. I don't think he's ever way or God like, has his hands arms,
his arms folded, just like looking. I don't see that. And so whenever I feel. I have to remind myself that's that's not from God. That's not Jesus. There is no condemnation, right. It doesn't sound like there's not much when you do the really bad. Okay. And then get a little, that kind of nature. There is no, I'm pretty sure it says no.
No. Yeah. So it's, it's it's uh, but the weird part is if we drift or you do a couple of things that maybe you feel like, I mean are wrong. Uh, most people, instead of running back to God, like I've, I would run away. Or just think I'm not going back to church. Like that's not, or I'm not going back to the life or whatever, and that's actually what we need to do.
Yeah. That's a thousand percent. And I think that's where the, one of my root passions and driving voice forces are to help obliterate shame and shame is an enemy tactic. Right. And we stay blanketed in. Yeah, but it's a self-induced experience. It's an enemy induced experience. It has nothing to do with God.
God never would want us feeling that way. It's the whole reason he sent Jesus to the cross. And so it's just the understanding of what that is. And how do you break free from it? That's great. Yeah. Yeah. So I think, um, to speak into kind of the ministry side of what you've been doing and kind of your life's purpose, as well as his talk to us, how this evolution of your books has transpired, because I think that they are so ingrained with the ultimate mission that you're on.
Yeah. So I moved to Harrisonburg, Virginia, where James Madison is in 2004 from Virginia Beach. And. Uh, it was a very steep learning curve for my job. You know, I went from most of our young life leaders in Virginia Beach or career folks, or maybe a couple of college students, but flip that to James Madison, where they're all in college.
And, uh, you know, I got the, what, a fun season of life. I lived there for 13 years, but the longer I was there, I realized. I mean, and Jim, you kids are just the best, you know, they're energetic, they're so bright. They're involved. It's like, there's a culture of JMU that people hold the doors for people. And I'm trying to get to the bottom of it.
I have some like, how did this start? Who did this? What was, um, you know, Dr. Mark Warner and, and I think it's just been some men and women who have helped kind of make that a special place, but I realized that most. The leaders that were graduating and going into the real world, either moving to Richmond or DC or Virginia Beach or somewhere, and doing, uh, going into the marketplace, really struggled, like really struggled, really great kids, really sharp kids, really, for the most part, healthy kids and really, really struggled.
And I thought something is wrong. There's a disconnect. Right? Like, and looking a little deeper. It seemed like a lot of people did. That was like the year that. You know, you think about those transition years. If you go into college, you graduate high school and then go to college. That's a very important tradition.
But then there's one that when you go into the real world, it's like for most people, college is a positive experience. You're living with somebody of your dearest friends. You might be living in a big house with guys or girls, or by the time you're senior, and then you make this jump. And so much stuff changed.
Uh, your PRI you probably don't find 10 people to live with your same age, that you've loved that you're finding on the internet, your phone, a bulletin, you know, the old bulletin boards or whatever, trying to figure out roommates and moving situations and money and rent and on and on. And so we thought school is great, but it just doesn't prepare us for the real world like it should.
And so, um, Like I realized that because one time we were writing, I was teaching, um, the young life leaders to write. Thank you notes. I think. Thank you. Notes. Handwritten. Thank you. Notes are gold in this age of flying by every digital text. Everything you're going to have. I everybody I've talked to says, you know what you do with them?
You read them and you reread them and then you read them again. And I'm, if I get a nice email, I might, I might do that once, but I even have a, I have a drawer. I put all my thank you notes and I have, and when I'm feeling bad, sometimes you might pull out one here and there. Actually there was a guy, um, one of my guys Bryson, uh, he, uh, my, I always did a small group of every grade, but his senior at JMU and he's living in this huge, the old Sigma Chi house.
Uh, the landlord was like, I actually likes it. MCI almost pledged it, but not JMU. But, um, that he said, Hey, they've been here 20 years and, um, they're gonna rent the house. He's like, would young life want it? I'm like, yes. So we have like, you know, there's like 21 guys in his house right off the quad. And so he's living in there.
One of his roommates comes, the parents come in town and take it out to real nice dinner downtown and he writes them a thank you. Note a handwritten. Thank you. And then this guy, uh, the guy who took him out to eat his roommate, the dad says, Hey, um, we're going to go to like Jackson hole or somewhere snowboarding for spring break.
You can bring a friend, but it needs to be Bryson. That's the only time. Well, I mean, he's one of my best friends, a good snowboarder. Why ham? He goes, he wrote me a thank you note, uh, for dinner in the fall. And I was like, well, that's the moral of the story. You get free trips to Jackson hole, or maybe a Steamboat Springs or someone of snowboarding trips.
You know, I love that. That's so good. They are special. They are special, right? So we're, we're teaching, you know, the only leaders to write that, use them. We're going to actually write two. Thank you notes to two people. They want to think. Right. I brought cards. I brought, brought stationary, brought stamps, everything.
They write them. This guy comes up. I mean, this is a smart kid. Then Chris, Chris goes and then, uh, what, what, which side? Like what's the, to and from where's this go? And I laugh. I laugh. I'm like, no, well you can put the stamp on. I think he's totally kidding. He's not. And I thought, man, that's something he probably should know by now.
He's 21, you know, so, and I have like 10 or 15 stories like that. So we just thought as an email and it says two, and then it says from
no it's so true. So we, um, And so I just realized that, but I didn't do anything about it. One of my, um, one of the guys who's actually from Chesapeake named Josh Burnett, he, he graduated. Um, his dad owns the Chick-fil-A. Uh, Lynn Haven and at Salem crossing. Oh yeah. Brian Brennan. Great, great family. And Josh got a Chick-fil-A fresh out of college, you know, he's, he's running one in Arkansas.
He calls me like three or four years when he's out of college. And I started doing the senior prep course. I was like, I'm going to try and give it my best shot to give them. Give all my graduating seniors, as much as I know about finances, professionalism, time management, how to treat your boss, how to treat your coworkers folder on all the different stuff.
This is all under the salary of young life outside of your actual job though, right? Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I, the, the, the senior prep course kind of was young life training. You know, we made it to Martin's, you know, we made I'd take him grocery shopping and teach them about unit pricing. Basically. It was like, Hey, learn from some of my mistakes.
If I can give you some stuff, I've made some costly mistakes that almost derail my life. In fact, I wanted that to be the title of the first book, but the publisher didn't love that title. I love it, but I like adulting a lot. And so, um, so he went through that and he, I would give a packet of like 15 or 20.
Um, pages of just wisdom I've learned from the great men and women that I've sat under, just gotten to know. And so three or four years after college, he calls me and says, Pete, um, I sold all my textbooks back the last day. I haven't the crack. One of those, I haven't looked at them, but I've looked at your packet all the time.
In fact, I usually pick a thing and I run my team. He has about a hundred employees. I think that's average, Virginia. You said, I take my team through like one little point every week and a lot of them weren't spiritual or Christian or, but all truth is God's truth. And so he said, I, uh, they really loved it.
So I shared it with the Arkansas group of Chick-fil-A operators. I guess they get together. They love that some of them took their teams through it. They loved it. They came back to him and said, you should publish this. And he's like, well, he had added some to it about business, but he came back to me and said, Hey, this is 80 or 90%.
Would you want to write a book about this? And I said, honestly, I don't even need to pray about it. I think so. Yes. Like, so then we tried to crank it out. Took, took it around to 20 or twenty-five publishers, a bunch of them said no. And then we finally found one it's like, yeah, I guess so. I mean, they weren't like reluctantly, but that was kind of the Genesis of the book.
That is really incredible. And I think now being in like the throws of the whole publishing piece, like that's a whole thing in and of itself and I feel. It's been curated similar to a lot of other systems I could name, but I won't this moment I'll let your imagination run wild of, of the knowing of like, It's being it's eliminating what can be possible and what is initially a God deposit.
It's, it's inhibiting people and they're saying, oh, there's the publisher. Won't publish it. So my idea isn't good or it's not worthy of being published. And that's why I love podcasting so much is because anybody can press play. Anybody can do that part. It does take a little bit of tech and stuff like that, but no different than a book.
And so making way for more Christian books and authors to make way for these kinds of conversations, because that is critical and crucial, like four years later to still be utilizing that information as you're sharing it, I'm like, shoot, this would be an amazing high school gift to give high school. Hmm, right before they go into college.
Cause I can think of one of my girlfriends daughters right now. I was like, she's going to the grocery store for the first time. She's going to the doctor's office for the first time she's doing things she's never, ever had to do. Jackson balances. That's not a thing they teach and I'm 34 and I could still use some of that information.
Yeah. S I'm still learning myself. We wrote it from a, we wrote it from a point of like, we haven't figured out, but we're trying to figure out some of it and you know, really great parents. It just a lot of times, it just doesn't occur. They've tried to, you know, they try to set their child up to kind of make it, but a lot of this practical stuff, I mean, I can't tell you how many parents have not had conversations about money with their children, parents.
And so you're right in the middle of it. You have a book that comes out next week and tell us the title, always becoming sex shame. Oh, my gosh, always confirming sex, shame and love you talk about timely Tamra. Oh, my that's going to be. Thank you. I'm so excited about it, but I think as you're talking through this change, this timeframe of going from college into life, um, I was processing my emotions of where I was.
I could put my feet in the sand, right where I was literally, and that the emotion. We're rolling. We're actually very similar than the same emotions that swirled from high school to college is this I, this isolation experience that happens this shift in placement on who am I happened to all over again, because now I am in an entire other environment.
I'm in an entirely, I was in my hometown, so not a new city, but a lot of people are in a new city. They become the smallest fish in this massive pond and they're treading water. Like I just have to keep swimming, just keep swimming. Like, Dory's that a Nimo and eventually I'll get somewhere, but there's no direction.
We are all told from a very young age. At least my generation was my kiddos. I feel like are a bit different because of the ideology that our generation has shifted to. But it's this understanding we were told it's high school and then it's college. And then it's. Yep. And that's not how I'm parenting, because I don't necessarily think that the four years of partying did me total justice, but I didn't know that my degree served me well.
So, you know, I just think when you're thinking through my whole point in sharing, this is like, there's so many conversations swirling through the heads of people and children, and also adults when they shift to any new. And isolation, I think is a huge piece to that. How does your book serve or how do you share in that realm at this point in your career?
Yeah. That's you, you nailed it right on the head. It's so much stuff shifts at once that it can be so disorienting. And honestly, I think social media has such great purposes, but. This is one of those shadow sides of social media, because you know how many people I knew Tamra what was going on with them.
When I graduated in 1997, like for why call, call them and see now. And we, this is where we actually go through this. And the second book, the first book is more hard skills, professionalism, three or four chapters on finances. And we do have an appendix. So it's appropriate for graduating high school or college of how to crush college.
We interviewed people with a hundred years of working with college students. Cool. So what have you seen? What have been the recipes for students, successful students? And then I just list them and so something, but the second book, this I'm much more excited about. We had a book, our second book come out in April and it's much more about adulting on the inside, growing up on the inside, figuring out, you know, self-awareness and how to lead yourself and emotional intelligence.
And we have two or three chapters in social media. And then the whole last second half the book is about. And we had five counselors also with a hundred years of combined experience working with young people and just had them speak into it. We have two chapters, each one, anxiety, lonely loneliness and depression.
Um, but I think honestly that social media, I mean, imagine, let's say Instagram is my favorite platform. What, what's yours, what's your Instagram and clubhouse and it has newly emerged, but Instagram. Okay. That's my. Favorite one, you guys might have it. There might be your, your listeners might have a different, um, but let's say I follow 730 people.
I follow them. I follow them many more than that. I follow like four times, but let's just say it's 730 Tamra. That means that every day of, of the year, two of the people I follow are having the best day of their entire. So, and I don't know about you, but I post a lot more when things are really fun and going like, Hey, I'm home again.
This is fun. I'm really at this stage in my life. I actually yearn for that. So finally my feet are up.
So, but whatever, I should post more than that. And a couple of times that I've been really. Half joking, but self, self denigrating posts like posts because they're relatable. They're the most relatable cause that's actually how people are feeling versus seeing you out on your boat. Right? Exactly. So the two, two people, if you follow 730 people, two people are having the best day of their year, every day of your life.
And you get a front row seat to it. More than that, 61 people are having the best day of their entire month. One of the best 12 days of their. So that means 63 people every day, every day, when you so no wonder, I don't feel great. After I look at Instagram, I look at Instagram. I'm like, my life is terrible because if you're having one of the best 12 days of your year, best day of your month, you post more about that too.
Usually truthful. So that means, and most people follow more than 700 people that just the reason, seven 30. Perfect. It's easy for the mass I got. And so I think that's one of the reasons. And it might be the contributing reason of being able to look around and see you. And everybody has a couple of friends that everything seemed to fell into place, but we know that because of social media and guess what?
Because of the curation, it's probably not like that. They're not so, but we're comparing ourselves with other people's highlight reels of their entire life instead of the games on the side of the day to day nitty gritty. And I didn't wait. I didn't have to wrestle with that because I just knew four of my friends, two of them were fine.
Two of them were having a hard time. I'm like, well, I'm kind of in the middle of back to that. Can we go back to that? That would make my business so much better. Exactly. Right. So I think, but social media for all it's that. So that's, that's one of the big things is. You know, I, I would bet a lot of your listeners in their twenties maybe into their thirties, but like, you have a kind of, I bet you got a young hip cause you're so cool.
And I'm like mid thirties to mid forties actually. You know, people guess you're like 25. And so I think even for thirties to forties, figuring out our relationship with social media is one of the most important things we have to do because. It is engineered to be addictive. You guys, we, most of us have watched the social dilemma.
We know, but even I read an article last week that said Facebook knows that it and itself, it owns Instagram. It knows that it's toxic to people and it's still just shoveling it at us. It's engineered to be, you know, the executives of these two companies. And most of the social media companies don't allow their kids to use it.
Cause they're like, oh, this is terrible. Yeah. They're completely open about that too. And, and to speak to some listeners, we have live, who are saying that few of us old folks are in their fifties. I love you. I thank you for being outside of my target audience, but inside of my heart, so important. But I think what I think.
As the explanation to that is a yearning. Like we all want to have that lifestyle. We all are looking to have that, um, highlight real experience. And so then we forget to live in the present moment of our actual. And then it creates a longevity. It creates a distance between us actually having that day and us experiencing the current day that we're having.
So there's a gap between what we're seeing and what we're feeling. And then the feeling becomes suppression, which is then depression, anxiety, isolation. And so now you're seeing. Further away from the highlight reel that you could have, that God has already promised you to experience literally in that moment, but it is it's this constant touch points.
Um, I'm actually in the middle of a 67 day challenge right now. And a part of it is if five, um, practices for morning routine, the first one is don't hit the snooze button, but the second one is don't touch your phone before you do your gratitude and goals, written gratitude and goals, move your body and send a word of encouragement to send.
And then not touching your phone. It is incredible how addicted we are. It's I mean, it's an addiction. It calls my phone calls to me at Beckett's
two minutes. Just make sure it could be an emergency. Someone could be hurt. Guess what? No one's ever been hurt. No, if they're heard, they don't call me. I actually remember Pete, when I transitioned, when I first had kiddos, I transitioned to having my phone on do not disturb at night because I needed sleep.
Right. And my family was actually so offended. They were like, what happens if something's wrong with. Like call Gary. I don't know. I'm sleeping and I'll put you in the little intro. If you call twice a week, twice, a 3:00 AM. Never not one time. Has there ever been a need that I needed to pick up my phone, even when my siblings were pregnant themselves and I wanted to be at the hospital, it never happened.
And so I just think we are we're so used to the access point to everyone. There to be. You need to be on social media if you don't, if you haven't liked my light today, where are you? Are you even my follower? Even my fan.
You get okay. I think the end point of this is to get okay with self, which is that whole mental health understanding. Understand your emotions, understand your EEQ, your IQ. That's the college. Yeah. But EEQ is that season between you get out of college and you get to hopefully eventually whether in a relationship in your job, your ideal situation, the place that you want to be, there's this huge gap that should be identity experience.
And I didn't even know what identity meant when I was in my twenties. Nobody talked to me about identity. Right, right. Can I, can I highlight two things you said, I don't want people to miss them, you know? Cause I also share five years ago, my morning. I hadn't. I had a morning routine. I'd get up, have my quiet time.
I'm not a huge coffee person. I'd make some tea. I had read a little bit, but I didn't have, and then I read a book called the miracle a miracle morning by Hal Elrod was just like, he's on the all name team, right? That's the best name maybe. And you know, I don't, I'm not saying you need to adopt his or his suggestions, but what is your ideal morning routine?
I had never thought about it and I was 40 Tamra, but so then I guess. And then if I get it three or four times a week, guess what? That's better than zero forgotten. It's seven times, but I've come, I've gotten five or six. So I think that's so important to craft your ideal morning routine, dream about it, and then fix it a little bit, tweak it, but it should.
And then, you know, it's good. Once you get it, you can elongate it out to two or three hours if you have a morning like that, but then you can also make it 10 minutes. If you need to. But that'll change. I think morning routine will determine who you are in five years. I know a lot of people saying, well, you know, the books you read and the people you hang out with, those are important too.
But I think morning routine, uh, because it's that time when you don't have the phone, it should be when you go to the phone, you know, you know, so now you're so right. I think that, that. Set in those, in that phrasiology that your morning routine will determine who you will be in five years, but you're so right, because ultimately that's like the most precious time of my day, not to say time with my spouse or my kiddos.
Isn't very precious. But if I don't have that, I am a way out of alignment to what I know and how I know I can show up as the best version of myself during that day. If I don't have those specific things and mine's different than what I just mentioned, but that's the challenge that I'm in. I have to, before I put my feet on the ground, pray, I have to send my gratitude.
Just the fact that I'm breathing and I'm awake before the sun. I'm always grateful. And so practicing that gratitude, and then for this challenge, writing it down has actually been harder than I imagined it to be. Um, mainly because when I'm praying, praying, there is no format. There's no formality to the language.
Like God knows my heart. Even if I can't curate what the sentence is, he sees me. He knows when you're having a conversation versus writing. It has an air of perfectionism that I don't really love. Um, so I'm trying to figure that out. I need some stream of conscious gratitude, right? I changed the way that this book is laying it out for me, but you're so right.
And I think that if people leaned into that and it could be for some people in nighttime routines, But I really believe it's the start of the day that then dictates the rest. And I think, I think you're right. Both are important. I still fit my evening routine. I can't speak about it because I'm still working on it yet.
Uh, but, but my morning routine, just trying to give it, you know, and you know what, if you, if you don't get it one morning, guess what God. You got another morning coming up the next day. So we always have a time to improve. Try to do it again. Commercial break. I know I hate these things too, but it's so critical that you grow your business for God's sake.
And I mean, that pun intended with all the love in my heart to get you from a place of ideation to activation, stop dreaming, start doing stand ups, start saying yes to the call that God has on your life. We are going to be joining in Lexington, Kentucky with none other. Beautiful rise and grind community with Glenn Lundy, who will be co-hosting this incredible conference.
This is the second annual, and he has taken me under his wing to be able to share the stage to motivate and inspire. And I cannot wait to see you there November 5th through the seventh. If you want to come in for the VIP experience or two doesn't want to come along for VIP, that's all access passes to the speakers and the artists, and you will be able to dine with us in the private rooms with your own.
The rooms. So of course come one day, two day, three day passes available as well. And we can not wait as good. And I say to hug your neck, see you there, but you also mentioned the I how important our identity is. And I think figuring out our identity and having it be based in Christ is so that, that like the last couple of chapters we wrote, we write both these books.
Uh, they don't have any mention of God, Jesus, the Bible until the last chapter in both the books on purpose. I mean, there's definitely some God's truth in there. Um, especially when we're talking about relationships or money or whatever, but this last one, one of the truths that was like the anchor of the last chapter is your identity is received, not achieved and the world will tell you to achieve it.
The world press on, do a little better and never. The actual reality is every single human being has God's fingerprint on their hearts, stamped on their heart, the divine spark already inside. That our identity is received. And then we, it's more of a discovery. It's more like a adventure to find out how you're wired and what gifts has God given you and what allows you to come alive and all, and the freedom that I, I bet I can not wait to read your book.
I bet you mentioned with some of that. There there's some of that discovery and we're not very good at it. We're not very good at. You know, allowing, allowing our identity to be received, if that is true, then, then all these things come from that the inherent worth of every human being on earth, no matter their physical, mental, emotional abilities.
I think it's because we live in a hustle culture. Right. And that's a part of what I speak to my book. Like we were constant. Driven to keep going. Just keep swimming is, is because we don't want to see you stop. And if you stop what happened, right? Yeah. Go higher. Go faster, go longer, go wider. Like we are not all on a football team.
We don't play D one. Y'all like not everybody's even in shape. Get what the program is. The understanding that like, we have to understand that the doing and the being are not the same. Right. It's not by our works, that he loves us, just like the recipient of his love is not by what we've done, but by what he did for us.
And so then we don't have to activate anything other than breath, other than purpose, which is a kingdom thing. And purpose looks very different than an accolade to me.
The heart. This is not against hard work. I'm a big believer. A thousand percent. I know you are too all day y'all I do. I do, but I am being in my doing, but I had a switch in that. Great. Grace is not opposed to a. But only to earning, to earning favor, earning love, earning God's, uh, you know, approval that stamp of approval.
That grey stands in defiance to that, but not to hard work. I mean, not the effort. We, in fact even tells us, work out our salvation, work out our saving grace by with fear and trembling. So work it out. Let's let's let's, you know, hard work is lifted up, but. We're not trying to, we're not trying to achieve God's approval.
We already have it. So then we get to operate. Like our obedience is because of his approval and his favor. We already have it, nothing. We can't do anything. You know, we can't do anything to make God love us anymore. And we can't do anything to make them love. It brings me back full circle to what you said at the beginning.
No matter how far away we run, when we turn around and he's right behind us, it makes me literally think of that visual where you're like going to do something like, oh, you're right there. Oh, you're right there. Why are you right there? That was creepy. We ask people to follow us, but like, that's kind of creepy.
Right. And so he's right there. And, and as much as he says to follow me, He's following us. He's recklessly pursuing us every part and to teach us over and over and affirm us over and over again, not just based on his word, which is a massive component to that, but based on the people he even puts into our circle.
And so he's utilizing all of us as vessels for one another to keep his church and a healthy experience here on earth as it is in heaven. But so often because of flesh, because of the enemy, we have a natural divide that occurs. And so I think when you are understand your identity, that tendency towards competition starts to diminish, and we get to start looking through the lens of community and communion.
Yeah. W one of the diagnostics you mentioned is can I see, can I really celebrate when something good happens to someone else? Especially someone like, if I can't, there's something I there's something inside of me. When, when, when you have that freedom, when, you know, I heard a podcast a couple of weeks ago and the person there, she said, I'm trying to live in a place where I get, I, I arrived to where I have nothing to prove.
Nothing to lose and nothing to hide. Nothing to prove nothing to lose and nothing to hide. And I thought that's what I wanted. You know, that's, that's what I wanna, that's what I want to land. And I'm still way, you know, I'm still working towards it at it, but nothing to prove because our identity is secure in jeez.
Nothing to lose when we know, you know, what. Like we only get one go around here and guess what? Everybody gives away the same amount of money when they die.
You know, one of my mentors in Virginia Beach would always ask me, Pete, you ever seen a hearse pulling a. No Jack, I still haven't seen that. Of course you haven't cause naked, you come and naked. You go that's the, you better figure out what Madison is live, but give yourself to it. It's so true, right? It's nothing to, nothing to lose and then nothing to hide.
Can we live in just out in the open, transparent in community? Um, so yeah, that's I love what you said. Yeah. And, you know, I think that's likely the component of in those, I was calling them the wandering years. Uh, in those years we're actually doing the antithesis of every single one. We're trying to prove ourselves.
We're trying to prove to our parents. We're trying to prove to. Ourself that we can survive on our own. Right? Like I'm a big girl. I'm a big boy. I can make my bills. I don't have to ask mommy and daddy for money. I don't have to move back into their environment. I am just as good as the other person who's working on wall street already, who also is isolated, but acts like they have a lot of money, but they're really just in credit card debt.
Like there's all this stuff you're trying to prove. We're trying. What was the other one to, uh, not nothing to lose. Oh, everything's to lot to loss at that point. You. Clinching at the clause just to keep the one thing, whatever that one is hoarding, you're hoarding. Right? That's what the hoarding years.
That's what we're going to call it. And then the last part is that hiding. I mean, I feel like. I, my mask was like the mask. It was so impaled on my face that I didn't know the difference between this version of self and this version of self. So I just stayed in the fun version of south, which everybody loved and invited to the parties and needed me to be there.
Right. They needed me and I was actually depleting myself and the giving and the giving and the giving, trying to prove that I was something that I actually wasn't at. So I, it was a false view, not the fun part. The fun part is the real, you, you know, it was a false iteration and we all have those, right.
We've we've almost learned how. We've learned that are operating with something that's false and not us because it's just been easier or we got accolades for it, like you said. And so I think that's part of the journey we're on as far as self-awareness and self-discovery and learning who we are, you know, it's funny nineties.
We have the stat in the book, 92% of people think they're self-aware and psychologists would say 10 to 15% actually are 80% of us are lying to ourselves every day. Thinking word I was thinking, as you were saying in the hiding is really just a bunch of little white. And have compounded to a belief system.
That is a lie, but you think is true because little white lies are harmless and you don't remember all the little white lies that you'd say, because you're usually saying them out of generosity to not hurt someone, not make somebody feel isolated, not make somebody feel bad or not make yourself feel bad towards the truth of something.
But eventually you're, you're so plagued by this massive lie. That is, I am not worried. I am not called. I am not capable. These are huge things that I deal with 50 year old women coming to me on the regular telling me this is what I believe about myself. It just makes me want to cry. And that's why I'm glad I had a quarter-life crisis versus a midlife crisis, but it still sucked.
It still wasn't fun. Right? It's never too late, right. To kind of try to figure out, to figure ourselves out and start believing the truth, because if we really believe. What Jesus said, the truth will set us free. And so anytime we feel like we're bound up, usually not every time, but usually I'm believing a lie because lies, bind up and they start the ring you out and they press you down.
Whereas the truth really does set us free. Even if it's a hard truth, it still sets us free. There's something in our heart that kind of leaves. Yeah. I, a thousand percent in green, I think relationally, that's where we're broken. Right. We're not willing to have that iron sharpening iron where we say it and we think, oh, we'll get close enough.
But then when it actually hurts, you run, you flee from that situation. Really like iron sharpening iron is not a soft experience. There has to be true. And there has to be a little bit of piercing in order for that, to that, to really be healed to the scar that I believe God wants us to have to be able to live out of that.
Knowing in that. And so, um, I just, I think if we, relationally, we're able to, to be honest enough to not hide, to not prove against one another and to not feel like we're going to lose something, if we're honest. Um, I think that we could have a better secure relational foundation, which would be really pleasing and honoring to God.
Wow. That's so great. That's so well said. Pete. So we have a couple more minutes and I want to ask you a final question, because we talked about at the beginning, what what's next? Like what further vision? How do you see yourself? Um, saying yes to God and the next couple of years,
you know, W when I make five-year plans, I think God just like, laughs. I think he likes it. It's not like a, I don't think it's a kind of unsettling. I think it's like, oh, like where you just, you love something and you're like, look at his guy. That's great. You know, like, come here and give you a hug. That's cute,
but proud. But probably, yeah, it keeps she's trying. You know, I, I still feel called to young life. Um, I still think it's, you know, especially now the timing of, I was at Rockbridge, we have a camp, uh, you know, in Virginia called Rockbridge, near Washington and Lee and Goshen. And I was there about 450 college students were there this weekend.
And, you know, we were masked inside for the most part and, you know, tried to really, but it was, it was a blast. It felt, but I went to a meeting with, for one of the schools. And they gave a little space for students to maybe say, you know, speak for five or 10 seconds about something they learned or something they're taking home.
And it felt like every, every student started with, well, this has been the hardest season of my life. Well, you guys, some of you guys know I've been dealing with some personal problems, some challenges. I mean, every, and you know, 15, 20 students shared every single one. So I think for this next season, it's how can we have.
People to get healthy on the inside, including myself. And so, cause I think no matter what's happened to pandemic has been hard for most. And especially those have in school had their kind of life. Um, there certain years of school changed and as the uncertainty and mental health was fragile before the pandemic.
So I'd like to kind of help. I hope that, you know, this, our first book took a little bit to get going a little bit to get traction. And it wasn't really until its second and third year that it really kind of took off. And we're hoping that this, you know, the green book. Which is book two, all about mental health.
Some young people maybe be a bridge to therapy to counseling. I've been in counseling two times for extended periods of time in my life and might be ready for the third. We'll see exactly. I'm always ready for it, but I think, I think it's still in life, but I also love I've through the book. Um, I've gotten a chance to go to some college campuses, to go to some churches and speak and maybe be with people or maybe run a retreat or something.
And I love that. I love being in person with young people and maybe talking about how to wildly succeed in life and, you know, spiritually, emotionally, physically, mentally. I'm hoping to be able to do a little more of that, but honestly, I'm just open to ask Jesus, Hey, what do you want? What's what's today bring and what do I have to do?
What do I do for my job? I'm not quitting yet, but what's today. Bring what's tomorrow. Bring what do you want me to do this next five minutes this next hour, this next day. Um, So I know there's not a really specific answer. I love it. I think it's amazing. And, and, and God knows the hearts and the needs of the youth, right?
And, and it's not just the youth. I think adults as a whole, that this conversation of mental health is aspiring with purpose and opportunity. Um, and there needs to be people who are rooted in order to enter into those areas. And not only. Like the light of Jesus, but also understand with empathy. Right?
And I think that's the biggest thing. And while I'm grateful for the struggles and the trials and tribulations that I've walked through is because I have empathy that I would have never had before. Um, and so I think as people are unlocked their empathetic eye towards those to follow no matter age as that part, doesn't matter.
Ethnicity that it's more just, they get empathy. And I think that's why when you see Jesus loved the way that he did, there was no boundaries to that love. Right. He just loved as is. And I think, um, your work is going to allow people to do. Yeah. Thank you. We really hope it does. And we do hope that for whatever reason, there's still a lot of people that, you know, won't and I was one of those.
I actually, I don't know whether I told you this, but we had seven staff from Virginia Beach and we're at a staff meeting one time and. One of the female staff had a, had a bit of courage and said, share with the group that she was in counseling. And then someone else was like, actually, you know, I just started a couple weeks ago.
We went around Tamra, all seven of us were in counseling at one, but we didn't tell anyone. We were, we were tight with the staff, but we were so either embarrassed shame, but whatever the room is, we didn't tell each other. It took someone to kind of crack that door open and then we all went in and there's nothing.
There's nothing to be ashamed of for that. And it's like people that are professionally trained to help us learn how to think and deal with stuff that maybe we went through and all that it's like. So I'm hoping also that the book, our second book. Can maybe chip away a little bit of the stigma of that as well.
So with that, likewise, my book has a whole chapter called trainers need trainers, and it's the fact that we're willing as a society to hire someone to fix every single thing about us, our cars, our houses, we will do it now. I mean, we, our AC is broken, right? My husband does HVAC. It's like a need right now, yesterday.
It needed to be fixed. And when it comes to our mental stability, We wait and we wait and we wait until we're so broken that putting us back together is a long duration of time when it could just be a tiny one. Little brain mechanic for whatever I say, we, I was and still am even a little bit. Oh, I was completely, I was sitting on that couch.
I was just like, seriously, this is such a joke. And I literally, I lied my way through the first couple sessions, not joking. I lied my way through and they, they were rooting me on giving me affirmation because I was giving them crap to work with. And I was leaving in powered. I think you need to try someone else.
I don't think, I don't think she said right now I have power behind my punch. And he was like, no, I don't think that's true. So I think if people understood that it's just another coach and people, everyone's a coach now, and everyone's willing to pay for a coach and their trainer and a personal trainer and, uh, all the things teachers.
That's where really insert therapist should be in the wandering years. Right? That's when I'm sound for my life, hands down, hands down, he it's been such a joy having you on the show. I love you so much. I'm so excited for your ministry. I'm grateful to have been blessed by your ministry and energy. And I know it's honestly, I still want to say that it's just the beat.
Uh, Tamara. Thanks so much. Love you. Lots too. It's so fun to see what God's done in and through your life. I mean, and we're just getting started. You're just getting started. I agree. All of the above, all the above you guys make sure you hang out with Pete. He said Instagram is his favorite place to be. Go get his book, adulting, the book number one, or book number two, adulting 1 0 1.
You can get on Amazon and. So you can also go to Pete hardesty.com links are of a low, and, uh, I hope you guys, uh, enjoy and see his speaker reel because it's really powerful. So if you have any contacts to get him into speaking with young adults, I think that this is definitely an opportunity to touch base and have somebody incredible come and impact your youth.
We love you. Thanks for listening.
Hey, y'all it's me again. I hope in today's episode, you sent an ignite to an Ember within you, something mentally, physically, emotionally, or spiritually moving that creates and sustains a fire within your journey. Before you go, let solidify the flame. I'd love for you to take a step right now and declaring your takeaway by snapping a pick of the episode.
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